GUEST EDITORIAL: Student Didn’t Raise Hands During Chapel

By: Fred Jones

Were you in chapel last Tuesday? I wasn’t going to go either, but I ran out of skips three weeks ago and decided I wouldn’t slash and dash for once. Anyway, while I was there, you know, doing the whole Christian worship thing, I noticed that a girl in the fourth row of the right hand middle section didn’t raise her hands during the entire worship portion of the service. Not even halfway. I, for one, am outraged.

The whole row was getting into it except for her. The girl three seats in from the left was performing the “bounce up and down while screaming, ‘We love you Jesus’ randomly and wave your arms fanatically like some ADD child on crack.” Even the obvious bitter agnostic emo guy had his arms spread wide and was swiveling back and forth as if a disturbed man who is tired of life, teetering over the edge, and deciding whether or not to end it all while humming the tune of “The World I Know” by Collective Soul. Yet this girl stood silently, barely mouthing the lyrics.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, when the speaker came up to prime the spiritual pump with the traditional prayer before the message, she slid her hands into her pockets as she slowly bowed her head to pray. Both hands! She might not have even had her eyes closed, but I shouldn’t speculate, after all, that would be gossiping.

With cases like these, it’s no wonder the New York Times gave the Assemblies of God church it’s own denomination in it’s recent poll of populations by religions. If we as an AG body are going to once again fall under our rightful denomination as a Pentecostal church, we need to cast out heretics like this. Honestly, no self-respecting Pentecostal church member would be caught dead worshipping in such a way that might be called “half-hearted.” If the members of this body aren’t putting on the most elaborate display of boisterous, self-righteous gallivanting possible, something has gone terribly wrong. I find myself wondering, with people like her, why even go to chapel?

When I think about this heretic, I remember the words of Christ so fondly; “Let he who has committed no sin cast the first stone.” I think this verse applies to the entire AG Church, and she is the sinner to be stoned.

As I exited my aisle in order to leave before the lunch rush hit me, I noticed that she too had gotten up to leave at 11:50. Obviously, she was too much of a hypocrite to stay late and be convicted for her transgressions. When I politely asked her what she thought of the service, she nonchalantly replied, “Good.” Real Pentecostal Christians would have used long sentences with really big words to show just how spiritual they are. Obviously someone is living a lie. And you know where liars go; the same place hypocrites and gossipers go. To paraphrase Luke 18:11, thank you Lord that I am not one of those.

HEADLINES THIS WEEK

front page:
CHRISTIAN UNCOMFORTABLE WITH LIFTING HANDS DURING CHAPEL IS ONLY ONE LEFT CLAPPING

local:
STREET WITNESS OUTING ENDS IN STUDENTS CONVERSION TO ISLAM

politics:
HOSTESS RELEASES “OBAMA CAKES’ IN ATTEMPT TO MATCH SUCCESS OF “DOLE BANANAS” AND KERRY/”HEINZ KETCHUP”

health:
FRESHMEN WITH BLOODY NOSE SEARCHES FOR SCHOOL NURSE

student life:
STUDENT ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE CHANGES NAME TO “COLLEGIATE OFFICERS CONTROLLING THE COMMOTION” IN EFFORT TO AVOID ‘SACK’ JOKES

technology:
GOOGLE SEARCH FOR RESEARCH ON ‘TROUBLED TEENS’ MORE RISKY THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

opinion:
‘I THINK MY ROOMMATE MIGHT BE GAY, BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO BE SURE…” – JAKE SHIMETT

Worship Live Livid with Audience

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA – Recently at North Central University, the worship band designated to lead music during the majority of the mandatory chapel services has grown increasingly fed up with their audience. “They just don’t take us literally when we say to hold the applause ‘til we’re finished with the song. When everyone tries clapping during the song, it just throws the groove off,” explains the Worship Live bassist.

Another problem that has arisen for Worship Live is it seems most people are not even paying attention to them. “Half of the concert hall has their eyes closed while they’re reaching out to us. The support is nice but honestly, we want all your attention not just half of it,” added their drummer.

Worship Live is a group of students plucked from the ranks of mainly Music Majors to perform almost everyday at 11:00 AM at the Trask Worship Center on the NCU campus. They represent the best of the best at NCU, if not just the ones with the most time on their hands. This lack of enthusiasm towards their performances has become a growing concern for the members and organizers of the group.

“With the record industry in such a state of distress, live shows are the best way to judge if your music is actually reaching people. CD sales and Billboard charts are almost meaningless.” A North Central Music Professor states. “If Worship Live isn’t getting their support during Chapel they may as well just forget about getting the funding to cut a record this year.”

So with the fate of this year’s Worship Live up in the air, the group has been scouring the internet and Christian Book stores for all the Hillsong CD’s they can find. The acoustic guitarist explains, “We have to hit ‘em hard, and nothing does that like a song written in Australia that is extremely overused during the summer camp season.” – BERNSTEIN