News Snippets

CAMPUS BANDWIDTH EXPECTED TO DOUBLE WITH PURCHASE OF SECOND 56K MODEM
A SERIES OF TUBES, MINNEAPOLIS – North Central University expects to dramatically increase IM chat speeds this week with the purchase of another modem. “We figure this will bring our campus up from 2 to 4 users who can actually surf the internet comfortably,” announced an IT department press report earlier this week. Of special note, students will be required to suspend their internet use whenever the President needs to use his phone in order to free up the line.

STRUGGLING NCU BOOKSTORE SOLD TO HOOTERS
BASICALLY JUST TEXTBOOKS, MINNEAPOLIS – “I guess that fake football team we made up in order to get the sweatshirts was the final straw,” says NCU bookstore operator Sally Garfunkel, “once people found out we didn’t actually have a football team, they lost all interest.” The local purveyor of office supplies, Ramwear, worship pop music, and textbooks will close its doors for the final time this week. Confirmed buyer T&A sports bar chain Hooters is rumored to be opening a Christian version of their restaurant, tentatively to be called “Frickers.”

BRILLIANT “RISK” CAMPAIGN GOES UNADMIRED BY FLOORMATES
KAMCHATKA, 4WEST – The theater of war was thick with the sounds of battle yet the majority of civilians on 4West Carlson ambled by oblivious last Thursday night. Freshman Erik Vandergoven executed a risky bait in switch in his take over of North America from Sophomore Danny Banks, who admits Vandergoven is “a lot better at this strategy stuff” then him. Rather than gloat to his floor mates over about “how smart that Erik guy” is, as Vangergoven would’ve preferred, Banks quit early in time to run to White Castle with some guys, leaving the disappointed Freshmen alone to think about how useless his Risks skills are for getting girls.

WORSHIP LIVE PERFORMANCE RUINED BY SOME GUY WITH BIBLE
CENTER STAGE, THE CENTER FOR TRASK – “He just kept talking and talking. I thought we were never gonna get back up there,” said one embarrassed Worship Live star, “Honestly, who gave him a mic?” The performance started at 11am and opened with a short set for Worship Live before they were interrupted. The person in question reportedly talked in excess of twenty minutes, told a few jokes to which the crowd responded which “totally killed the mood,” and concluded by asking the audience to crowd the stage for a ‘response.’ “The worst part came at the end when he had us play quietly but not sing so he could whisper into the mic with his eyes closed and his hands folded up. Honestly, what a prima donna.”

- WOODWARD

Worship Live Livid with Audience

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA – Recently at North Central University, the worship band designated to lead music during the majority of the mandatory chapel services has grown increasingly fed up with their audience. “They just don’t take us literally when we say to hold the applause ‘til we’re finished with the song. When everyone tries clapping during the song, it just throws the groove off,” explains the Worship Live bassist.

Another problem that has arisen for Worship Live is it seems most people are not even paying attention to them. “Half of the concert hall has their eyes closed while they’re reaching out to us. The support is nice but honestly, we want all your attention not just half of it,” added their drummer.

Worship Live is a group of students plucked from the ranks of mainly Music Majors to perform almost everyday at 11:00 AM at the Trask Worship Center on the NCU campus. They represent the best of the best at NCU, if not just the ones with the most time on their hands. This lack of enthusiasm towards their performances has become a growing concern for the members and organizers of the group.

“With the record industry in such a state of distress, live shows are the best way to judge if your music is actually reaching people. CD sales and Billboard charts are almost meaningless.” A North Central Music Professor states. “If Worship Live isn’t getting their support during Chapel they may as well just forget about getting the funding to cut a record this year.”

So with the fate of this year’s Worship Live up in the air, the group has been scouring the internet and Christian Book stores for all the Hillsong CD’s they can find. The acoustic guitarist explains, “We have to hit ‘em hard, and nothing does that like a song written in Australia that is extremely overused during the summer camp season.” – BERNSTEIN