"Trask Worship Center" To Be Renamed "Center For Trask Worship"

THE CHAPEL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In an effort to indicate North Central is not only a Christ-Centered but also a Springfield-Centered University, officials have announced a new name for the main assembly building. This multi-million dollar campus centerpiece originally titled “The Trask Word and Worship Center,” will now be called “The Center For Trask Worship.” This announcement has reportedly been in the works ever since Thomas Trask stepped down as General Superintendent of the Assemblies of God last summer. Theories abound as to why the change has occurred now, but many believe the name is a statement of allegiance to a more traditional approach to the church.

“We toyed around with a few ideas,” one anonymous building committee member told reporters. “‘The Center For Worshipping God With The Initial Physical Evidence of Speaking In Tongues’ was a contender for a while; so was ‘The Chapel of Traditional Pentecostal Worship and None Of That Scary Emerging Business.’ Frankly, the only reason ‘Revival Or Bust, Center For Attacking The Gates of Hell’ didn’t pass was because ‘The Center For Trask Worship’ was easier to put together using the words from the old sign.”

The name change has received mixed reviews from students, faculty, and alumni alike. Some have criticized the name change for being a “step backwards into tradition” while others have commended the renaming and the focus it seems to connotate as a “return to traditional values.”

“The debate about method, paradigms, and the structure of church in the 21st century continues to crawl along in the American Assemblies of God, and such a change is a bold statement by an AG University,” said one source close to those responsible for the decision. “One wonders if such drastic statements in this direction (or any other for that matter) is wise when trying to encourage honest discussion regarding these issues.”

While “The Center For Trask Worship” may indeed be an important statement for those who have an interest in the outcome of that debate, students who still attend the building daily for their chapel attendance requirement expect little change. All reports indicate chapel will remain going an average of 10 minutes over time and require you to act like you care about school sports. – WOODWARD

Read the counterpoint

Annihilationist Creates Awkward Pause in Sys. Theo. IV Class

PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Students shuffled feet, became very interested in their pen caps, and forced hallow coughs yesterday when NCU Junior P. Innock carried on an unconventional conversation with his instructor during Block B Systematic Theology IV. During a routine lecture concerning the eternal destination of unrepentant souls, Innock surprised his professor by asking whether or not the fire in Matthew 3:10-12 is in fact a fire of destruction and not one of torment. Witnesses report the professor was caught off guard by this question and answered by asking Innock for clarification.

“I just wanted to throw the idea out there that maybe people who don’t repent simply cease to exist instead of get tortured forever.” Innock told reporters later that day, “I mean, if we really believe the way to eternal life is through Jesus alone, how can someone exist completely separate from God? Like in hell for instance?”

Reportedly, the instructor answered that while the idea of simple annihilation is attractive to those who hesitate to damn those that have never had a chance to convert, the Bible simply doesn’t support it.

“That’s kind of what bothered me,” Innock said later, “I’m not sure yet, but I think there’s a strong case to at least talk about it.” Witnesses report that this was the moment P. Innock directed the class to Psalm 37 where we read that “the wicked fade like grass and wither like the herb,” and to Malachi 4 where it states “the day that comes shall burn them [evildoers] up, says the LORD of hosts, so that it will leave them neither root nor branch.”

It was at this point what has since been called “The Pause” descended on the classroom. The professor pondered for a moment, birds could be heard chirping outside, somewhere a lonely cricket dropped a pin. “It was horrible,” said one student, “One minute I was playing solitaire on my computer pretending to take notes, the next I was wondering whether or not hell existed.”

“It’s not what we believe in the AG,” was the final answer from the professor which ended the awkward pause and seemed to allow the classroom to breathe again. Continuing with his notes, the issue didn’t come up again for the remainder of the class period. “I would’ve liked to at least discussed it,” said one Senior after, “if only to be sure of what I already believe.”

In response to this, Innock has already stated he plans to do more research and present a more thorough essay once he has his facts straight. “I hope no one thinks I’m a universalist or worse, a liberal for this,” Innock said before ending the interview by retreating to the library.

Those who disagree with Innock have already pledged to launch a campaign against dangerous ideas like his. Below is a future campaign poster. – WOODWARD

POSTER CAPTION: SAVE HELL, SAY NO TO LIBERAL THEOLOGY!