Sophomore Lies, Gets Away With It

Early Saturday morning local resident of 5E Carlson, Daniel Grassmen was confronted by his roommate and floor Discipleship Leader (DL) about why he was out so late. The DL, Jason Emory, had been awoken by the creaky door belonging to the room both students share. Reports say that once Emory noticed it was over two hours past curfew he inquired to Grassmen’s previous whereabouts and specific company. Emory told The Northern Plight that Grassmen said he was in the floor’s private devotional room located opposite the elevators, praying for his aunt who had been diagnosed with lung cancer.

Emory initially noted that it took Grassmen a few seconds to spit out a response to his line of questioning but simply ignored it due to the originality and serious nature of his pathologically untruthful roommate. A later investigation dug up evidence that Grassmen was in fact hiding in the southernmost stairwell in the Christian Life Center adjacent to the gymnasium. Forensics found a blonde strand of hair that proved Grassmen was not alone but had a female companion who eats healthy and washes, rinses, and repeats daily.

A week after the incident The Northern Plight caught up with Grassmen outside of Clay Commons. When asked about how he felt about all the evidence stacking up against his alibi he seemingly came clean. “Alright, so I wasn’t where I said I was. Who cares? I wasn’t having sex, smoking, drinking, dancing, gambling, doing drugs, swearing, looking at porn, voting demoncrat or being gay! Me and Melody were just talking about how awesome it would be to go help children born into brothels in India. The time flew by, I didn’t even realize it was 3AM.” Grassmen continues. “But I think I am going to marry that girl. Jason wouldn’t have understood, he’s on that DL powertrip where he feels the need to report anything and everything he finds out.”

Grassmen went on to beg The Northern Plight to change his name and floor for the article and to not rat him out because that in his words, “totally not what Jesus would do.” So from now on he will be referred to as Douchy McFirepants. So even though McFirepants escaped judgment and punishment this time, if he keeps up in his untruthiness one day it will get the best of him. McFirepants should also note that even though this Melody girl seems to be perfect for him, he will realize one day that a girl that will keep him up past curfew is a girl that has no respect for authority. And a girl that has no respect for authority is the type of girl that will dump you for that lame basketball player that still pops his collar up or the tight pants wearing emo whose hawk and swoop is way too cool even for someone as high and mighty as himself.

-Bernstein

NCU Student Development: Turning Rebels into Leaders

MILLER HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – North Central University is a private Christian college in the heart of Minneapolis. It’s code of conduct is referred to as “The NCU Way” and paints a clear picture of what the school expects from Students, Staff, and Faculty. Activities and lifestyles such as smoking, drinking, use of drugs, dancing, gambling, premarital sexual activity, homosexuality, and swearing are strictly prohibited and ’supposedly’ wreak swift consequences.

Fourth year Junior Jonathon Allford was recently confronted about smelling like tobacco products upon returning home from a nearby Cinema and had to meet with his RA Jonas Fletcher. “I was expecting to get reamed out hardcore about smoking but we actually only talked about that situation for like 30 seconds,” Allford explains, “Then Jonas kept asking me to be a DL (Discipleship Leader) on the floor next year.”

Allford is not the first student whose disciplinary meeting was more similar to an interview than an actual corrective action discussion. “I didn’t even have to write a paper or do housekeeping duties to ‘work off’ getting caught watching an R-Rated movie in the dorms,” one student reflected, “I just said I would think about applying to be in leadership and take the Leadership Development class offered in the Spring.” The purpose behind this way of handling disciplinary action seems to remain unclear.

The Student Development department at North Central declined to comment, but a former member contacted the Northern Plight office and explained that NCU believes very strongly that the best way to help people recover from their ‘wicked ways’ is to put them in charge of their confused and vulnerable peers. Whether or not this tactic is working is still unknown. Though Allford has yet to turn in his application to be a DL and has been reported as having a very “Lysol’y” citrus smell to him. -BERNSTEIN