Sophomore Lies, Gets Away With It

Early Saturday morning local resident of 5E Carlson, Daniel Grassmen was confronted by his roommate and floor Discipleship Leader (DL) about why he was out so late. The DL, Jason Emory, had been awoken by the creaky door belonging to the room both students share. Reports say that once Emory noticed it was over two hours past curfew he inquired to Grassmen’s previous whereabouts and specific company. Emory told The Northern Plight that Grassmen said he was in the floor’s private devotional room located opposite the elevators, praying for his aunt who had been diagnosed with lung cancer.

Emory initially noted that it took Grassmen a few seconds to spit out a response to his line of questioning but simply ignored it due to the originality and serious nature of his pathologically untruthful roommate. A later investigation dug up evidence that Grassmen was in fact hiding in the southernmost stairwell in the Christian Life Center adjacent to the gymnasium. Forensics found a blonde strand of hair that proved Grassmen was not alone but had a female companion who eats healthy and washes, rinses, and repeats daily.

A week after the incident The Northern Plight caught up with Grassmen outside of Clay Commons. When asked about how he felt about all the evidence stacking up against his alibi he seemingly came clean. “Alright, so I wasn’t where I said I was. Who cares? I wasn’t having sex, smoking, drinking, dancing, gambling, doing drugs, swearing, looking at porn, voting demoncrat or being gay! Me and Melody were just talking about how awesome it would be to go help children born into brothels in India. The time flew by, I didn’t even realize it was 3AM.” Grassmen continues. “But I think I am going to marry that girl. Jason wouldn’t have understood, he’s on that DL powertrip where he feels the need to report anything and everything he finds out.”

Grassmen went on to beg The Northern Plight to change his name and floor for the article and to not rat him out because that in his words, “totally not what Jesus would do.” So from now on he will be referred to as Douchy McFirepants. So even though McFirepants escaped judgment and punishment this time, if he keeps up in his untruthiness one day it will get the best of him. McFirepants should also note that even though this Melody girl seems to be perfect for him, he will realize one day that a girl that will keep him up past curfew is a girl that has no respect for authority. And a girl that has no respect for authority is the type of girl that will dump you for that lame basketball player that still pops his collar up or the tight pants wearing emo whose hawk and swoop is way too cool even for someone as high and mighty as himself.

-Bernstein

Tell Me Why… Not So Rhetorical Questions About NCU, Christianity, and Life (Continued)

From a Christian stand point, do you think there is ever a time outside of marriage where sex is okay? For instance, is there such thing as a marriage type relationship? Okay for instance. Lets say two people have been dating for like 3 years and are either engaged or about to be engaged. They are only holding off on marriage because of money issues or long distance issues. They are 99% sure they are going to get married but just don’t see it happening in the immediate future. What about that? Marriage these days isn’t even all that reliable. Christians make it seem that marital sexual intercourse is totally safe and secure and that the bond between two people sworn to each other for life is such a better environment for sex. What about the fact that 50% of marriages end in divorce? Or the fact that that number is dropping because more people than ever before are choosing not to get married.

Here’s one more thing. I’m a male in my early twenties.  Which is 2-4 years past my sexual peak. Average age of marriage is closing in on 30. So my faith is asking me to bench myself until I’m almost 12 years over the hill? That’s like telling Lebron James to wait until he’s 30 to play professional basketball. We should be able to make a deal, lemme play now and I’ll take a few years off to make up for it when I’m like 70.

Will sex outside of marriage always be frowned upon?

This may be opening Pandora’s Box but what the hay. Speaking in tongues has gotten way out of control. I am not a biblical scholar, and I never did Junior Bible Quiz. But on the day of Pentecost, wasn’t everyone speaking in other languages? Not just mumbo jumbo they were making up on the spot. And believe me when I say I have heard dozens of missionaries tell stories about themselves speaking in tongues and communicating in perfect dialect with some foreign people group. And I myself got “Baptized By The Holy Spirit” at Snow Camp. But really, the crazy bag lady at the CYL is speaking in her own language half the time, does that mean she is full of the Holy Spirit…? I know the idea of Tongues of Fire, and a Holy Language has biblical roots, but I think it has been blown way out of proportion.

Is the contemporary interpretation of Speaking in Tongues really that vital to a Christian’s life?

/discuss

Schroeder “The Great Decoder” Bernstein

Survial Guide: Dating Tips For Blossoming NCU Romances

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA- It’s that time of year! Valentines Day is right around the corner. The hope of warmer weather is blasting our psyche with thoughts of picnics, kites, and making out in that parking lot by The Quarry. So here are a few tips and tricks to kick your new romance into high gear.

Survival Tip #1-A car is a must have for any relationship to be successful. With the strict guidelines at NCU, sometimes the back seat of your roommates pick-up truck is the only place to get a little one on one time. It also has the ability to mobilize and bring you to places that are too far to walk, like restaurants, bowling alleys, petting zoos, and of course apple orchards.

Survival Tip #2- No canoodeling in the common areas. We totally understand the lack of options you have to swap shoulder rubs and watch movies, but please, please spare us. I go to Clay Commons to talk really loud about something awesome I did with the hopes that someone really attractive overhears me and falls in love, not to watch you spoon in the corner.

Survival Tip #3- Always hold hands throughout the entirety of all chapel services. This includes worship. Recent studies have shown that when two people who really love each other hold hands while praising, their praise output triples. “With your powers combined!”

Survival Tip #4- Premarital sexual intercourse is only wrong if you don’t feel bad about it afterwards. So as long as you are positive you’ll regret it and repent later you’re good to go! And when asking for forgiveness from Jesus, make sure you’re not thinking about the next time you might do it because Jesus can read minds.

Survival Tip #5- When sneaking your significant other onto your floor during a non-designated open dorm time, make sure that you don’t accidentally yell “Man On!” or “Girl On”. Even though this is your natural reaction, the consequences of such a lapse in judgment will yield unwanted results.

Survival Tip #6- Delete your Facebook and/or Myspace profiles. These will only bring your relationship trouble. Any flirtatious comments from former lover’s will only spark questions and concern. Along with this, delete any and all phone numbers of members of the opposite sex on your cellular phone, including family members and co-workers.

Survival Tip #7- You must understand the hierarchy of dating at NCU. Freshmen girls only date Senior boys. Sophomore and Juniors can date each other but they must break up before senior year so that the male can rebound with a freshmen girl. Senior females, will most likely be so fed up with NCU males that they will have a boyfriend from another school by this time. Freshmen boys should just throw in the towel and wait for the sophomore/junior doomed relationship. It is almost impossible for freshmen boys to find a college girlfriend. Most freshmen males just cherry pick High School girls from back home to make out with on weekends. But note that if you do this you will be classified as a douche bag.

-SCHROEDER “The Love Boater” BERNSTEIN