OPINION: "Dear Girl Who Was Clipping Her Finger Nails During Chapel"

By: Schroeder Bernstein
Co-Founder of The Northern Plight

I did not want it to come to this, but forget satire, this is my real opinion.

I just so happened to stumble into the Chapel at North Central University right around 11:00 AM on a Friday and decided to stay. Worship was as good as usual, there was a mini-altar time and then ‘the Man’ Gordon Anderson came up to pour out his heart. Being that this is my fourth year at North Central none of this was out of the ordinary. I was fully prepared for the service to go a little long and then scurry off to Noodles and Co. at the Seven Corners with some friends. Then, out of nowhere this sharp “snap” rings into my consciousness.

Granted, I have seen a lot of interesting things that people do during chapel. I’ve seen kids fall asleep, read books, do sudoku, polish off a paper that is due after lunch, couples practically making out, and even a professor or two playing solitaire on their PDA’s. But watching this girl attack her fingernails while the good Doctor Anderson was hitting his stride made something inside me “snap”. I am by no means exempting myself or anybody else from not paying attention in Chapel, but this was just too far. I have three points on this matter.

First, in order to execute this act one has to think ahead and actually BRING FINGERNAIL CLIPPERS to Chapel. At least when people fall asleep they can chalk it up to an accident, but you pre-thought this out. I understand college life is hectic and you might not have as much time as you expected for personal grooming. Maybe instead of updating yesterday’s pictures from Applebees on your Facebook, you could cut that time a little short and get your fingernails all evened out in the proper forum (a bathroom). That way when Dr. Anderson starts to cry over his vision for the school, the moment isn’t ruined by a quick “click” and the distraction of a quarter-inch piece of nail flying three rows behind you.

Secondly, when you are bored with chapel, you shouldn’t bring others around you down as well. I am positive that everyone within a 35 foot radius knew what you were doing and instantly stopped paying attention to the message to watch this train wreck occur. The last time I saw that many people poke their friends and point was when they introduced the waffle iron in the cafeteria.

Thirdly, it’s just plain gross. Another fragment of your nail literally hit me in the chest and I had to brush it off my lap. There aren’t a lot of rules for clipping your fingernails but I’m pretty sure that if at ANY time one of your nail shards hits someone you don’t know, you may need to re-evaluate the context in which your fingernail beautification is taking place.

I know we are all guilty of being apathetic in some way, shape or form towards Chapels at some point or another. But please, girl who was clipping her fingernails, don’t ever do that again. Especially if your next step is touching up the hair on your legs. I know I shouldn’t put God in a box, but even Jesus wouldn’t be able to pay attention if that was going on two rows in front of Him.
-Bernstein

New Study Reveals 100% of NCU Students Unclean

In a recent survey of North Central University in Minneapolis, Minnesota, an astonishing 100% of students surveyed did not wash their hands after they used the lavatories.^ Not only does this statistic sicken the likes of anyone unlucky enough to know of or even step foot in NCU, it also leaves an unwelcome taste in the mouths of any non-Christians that view these students as earthly representations of what it means to model an existence after Jesus Christ.

The survey was conducted in the Phillips Hall bathroom at around 2:34 on a mild, Midwestern afternoon, with purely good intentions. The unsettling results have sent a shockwave through the community and one can only hope that NCU will issue a reactionary and apologetic statement in regards to these effectively horrendous findings. Christians refer to their terrestrial bodies as vessels or ‘temples’ that figuratively ‘house’ Jesus Christ, their ‘savior.’ So the fact that these little townhouses of the Lord could be walking around with fecal matter scattered on their hands does not bode well for Christians in the forum of positive representation concerning their beliefs and lifestyles.

If an outsider comes across this report, a misinterpretation of what it really means to be Christian in today’s world is sure to follow shortly. If they don’t have clean hands how could they have clean souls? What kind of discipline can a Christian have if they can’t spend thirty seconds sanitizing their own hands? Questions of this caliber would certainly be on the edge of their tongue, as doubts about the integrity of Christianity would begin to creep into their crowded mind. Once the facts were in, I had to check out ground zero and I myself went and used the exact same facility where the survey took place. Let’s just say that I hope to God, that the person who used the stall before me was vigorously eating a Milky Way before they decided to use the hand rail… – Bernstein

^ (The survey taken lasted 30 seconds and 1 of 1 people surveyed did not in fact wash their hands, thus 100% of the North Central population does not regularly wash their hands. It makes sense, trust me.)