"Trask Worship Center" To Be Renamed "Center For Trask Worship"

THE CHAPEL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In an effort to indicate North Central is not only a Christ-Centered but also a Springfield-Centered University, officials have announced a new name for the main assembly building. This multi-million dollar campus centerpiece originally titled “The Trask Word and Worship Center,” will now be called “The Center For Trask Worship.” This announcement has reportedly been in the works ever since Thomas Trask stepped down as General Superintendent of the Assemblies of God last summer. Theories abound as to why the change has occurred now, but many believe the name is a statement of allegiance to a more traditional approach to the church.

“We toyed around with a few ideas,” one anonymous building committee member told reporters. “‘The Center For Worshipping God With The Initial Physical Evidence of Speaking In Tongues’ was a contender for a while; so was ‘The Chapel of Traditional Pentecostal Worship and None Of That Scary Emerging Business.’ Frankly, the only reason ‘Revival Or Bust, Center For Attacking The Gates of Hell’ didn’t pass was because ‘The Center For Trask Worship’ was easier to put together using the words from the old sign.”

The name change has received mixed reviews from students, faculty, and alumni alike. Some have criticized the name change for being a “step backwards into tradition” while others have commended the renaming and the focus it seems to connotate as a “return to traditional values.”

“The debate about method, paradigms, and the structure of church in the 21st century continues to crawl along in the American Assemblies of God, and such a change is a bold statement by an AG University,” said one source close to those responsible for the decision. “One wonders if such drastic statements in this direction (or any other for that matter) is wise when trying to encourage honest discussion regarding these issues.”

While “The Center For Trask Worship” may indeed be an important statement for those who have an interest in the outcome of that debate, students who still attend the building daily for their chapel attendance requirement expect little change. All reports indicate chapel will remain going an average of 10 minutes over time and require you to act like you care about school sports. – WOODWARD

Read the counterpoint

NCU Student Development: Turning Rebels into Leaders

MILLER HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – North Central University is a private Christian college in the heart of Minneapolis. It’s code of conduct is referred to as “The NCU Way” and paints a clear picture of what the school expects from Students, Staff, and Faculty. Activities and lifestyles such as smoking, drinking, use of drugs, dancing, gambling, premarital sexual activity, homosexuality, and swearing are strictly prohibited and ’supposedly’ wreak swift consequences.

Fourth year Junior Jonathon Allford was recently confronted about smelling like tobacco products upon returning home from a nearby Cinema and had to meet with his RA Jonas Fletcher. “I was expecting to get reamed out hardcore about smoking but we actually only talked about that situation for like 30 seconds,” Allford explains, “Then Jonas kept asking me to be a DL (Discipleship Leader) on the floor next year.”

Allford is not the first student whose disciplinary meeting was more similar to an interview than an actual corrective action discussion. “I didn’t even have to write a paper or do housekeeping duties to ‘work off’ getting caught watching an R-Rated movie in the dorms,” one student reflected, “I just said I would think about applying to be in leadership and take the Leadership Development class offered in the Spring.” The purpose behind this way of handling disciplinary action seems to remain unclear.

The Student Development department at North Central declined to comment, but a former member contacted the Northern Plight office and explained that NCU believes very strongly that the best way to help people recover from their ‘wicked ways’ is to put them in charge of their confused and vulnerable peers. Whether or not this tactic is working is still unknown. Though Allford has yet to turn in his application to be a DL and has been reported as having a very “Lysol’y” citrus smell to him. -BERNSTEIN

Freshmen Obeys Parking Rules: Ticketed Anyway

ZIMMERMAN PARKING LOT, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – NCU Freshmen Chad Mcelroy was flabergasted today when he discovered his 4th NCU parking ticket in as many days affixed to his windshield. “I honestly thought I did it right this time. The permit was visible, I parked in the commuter lot, I even left a small gift basket behind the wheel like the NCU Security Website suggested,” Mcelroy said in an exclusive interview, “The ticket says the cause was ‘Just For The Hell Of It.’ Does that mean I needed to check in first?”

Mcelroy received his first ticket his first day at North Central during welcome week while unloading his vehicle to move into Carlson Hall. “I didn’t have a Special Guest Parking Pass” he explained. The second ticket was received 20 minutes after the first ticket for “Still Not Having a Special Guest Parking Pass.” The third ticket came the next day after Mcelroy had registered improperly for his parking pass. “Apparently, they weren’t sure if it was my car because even though the description and license matched, I’d forgot to tell them I was missing a hubcap.”

“We can’t be too lenient with parking.” Said Officer #7 who was responsible for Mcelroy’s fourth ticket, “While it’s true that these lots are rarely full and that we could make everyone’s lives a lot easier by being a little more reasonable; NCU Security can’t afford to let students and staff abuse the authority of the law. That’s why we’re here, you know, to abuse authority and make up the law.”

The NCU security office, who has received criticism in the past for being fickle, overly legalistic, and inflexible in special circumstances, refused to comment over the phone, stating they couldn’t find a record of our inquiry on paper. – Woodward

Student Well Informed Of Chapel Attendance Policy Still Outraged At Consequences

CARLSON HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Sophomore Business Major Stephen Daedalus was furious yesterday to discover he was finally being put on Chapel Probation by North Central University, after repeated verbal and written warnings. According to witnesses, Daedalus stumbled out of bed at the usual hour of 11:30AM and wandered down to the mailboxes yawning, when he first discovered the letter. “This is so unfair!” Daedalus was heard yelling to no one in particular while wiping dried drool from his night shirt, “I hate this school!”

Stephen has since been seen venting his frustrations in such locales as the student life office, facebook message boards, and to customers at Caribou Coffee where he is currently employed. “I told him he was getting close to the end of his skips,” Stephen’s roommate Vincent Heron told reporters later that day, “I think Student Life even set up a meeting with Stephen to talk about how he might avoid probation but I think he ended up sleeping through it.”

The unmade bed where Daedalus reportedly spent more then 60% of chapels last year

Jay Joy, representative of the Student Life Dept. at North Central University, issued a statement this morning. “I did everything I could to help Stephen but he ignored everything I tried. It was perfectly clear he was headed for probation but it didn’t seem like he cared until yesterday.”

After the press conference, Daedalus told reporters he was pressing harassment charges against North Central for what he calls “ceaseless phone calls, letters, and impromptu hallway meetings all designed to prevent me from getting a good morning’s sleep.” – Woodward