Survial Guide: Dating Tips For Blossoming NCU Romances

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA- It’s that time of year! Valentines Day is right around the corner. The hope of warmer weather is blasting our psyche with thoughts of picnics, kites, and making out in that parking lot by The Quarry. So here are a few tips and tricks to kick your new romance into high gear.

Survival Tip #1-A car is a must have for any relationship to be successful. With the strict guidelines at NCU, sometimes the back seat of your roommates pick-up truck is the only place to get a little one on one time. It also has the ability to mobilize and bring you to places that are too far to walk, like restaurants, bowling alleys, petting zoos, and of course apple orchards.

Survival Tip #2- No canoodeling in the common areas. We totally understand the lack of options you have to swap shoulder rubs and watch movies, but please, please spare us. I go to Clay Commons to talk really loud about something awesome I did with the hopes that someone really attractive overhears me and falls in love, not to watch you spoon in the corner.

Survival Tip #3- Always hold hands throughout the entirety of all chapel services. This includes worship. Recent studies have shown that when two people who really love each other hold hands while praising, their praise output triples. “With your powers combined!”

Survival Tip #4- Premarital sexual intercourse is only wrong if you don’t feel bad about it afterwards. So as long as you are positive you’ll regret it and repent later you’re good to go! And when asking for forgiveness from Jesus, make sure you’re not thinking about the next time you might do it because Jesus can read minds.

Survival Tip #5- When sneaking your significant other onto your floor during a non-designated open dorm time, make sure that you don’t accidentally yell “Man On!” or “Girl On”. Even though this is your natural reaction, the consequences of such a lapse in judgment will yield unwanted results.

Survival Tip #6- Delete your Facebook and/or Myspace profiles. These will only bring your relationship trouble. Any flirtatious comments from former lover’s will only spark questions and concern. Along with this, delete any and all phone numbers of members of the opposite sex on your cellular phone, including family members and co-workers.

Survival Tip #7- You must understand the hierarchy of dating at NCU. Freshmen girls only date Senior boys. Sophomore and Juniors can date each other but they must break up before senior year so that the male can rebound with a freshmen girl. Senior females, will most likely be so fed up with NCU males that they will have a boyfriend from another school by this time. Freshmen boys should just throw in the towel and wait for the sophomore/junior doomed relationship. It is almost impossible for freshmen boys to find a college girlfriend. Most freshmen males just cherry pick High School girls from back home to make out with on weekends. But note that if you do this you will be classified as a douche bag.

-SCHROEDER “The Love Boater” BERNSTEIN

HEADLINES FOR THIS WEEK

front page:
JUNIOR JUST NOW LEARNING WHERE DARFUR IS

local:
CAMPUS HEARTTHROB GETS HAIRCUT, STUDENT BODY MOBILIZED TO COMPLIMENT

student life:
FRESHMEN HASN’T BEEN OUTSIDE NCU BUILDINGS/SKYWAYS SINCE WELCOME WEEK

lifestyle:
CHAPEL SPEAKER SPICES UP BORING SERMON WITH UGLY POWERPOINT

relationships:
NAIVE FRESHMEN WARNED ABOUT NEW BOYFRIEND, IGNORES ADVICE

opinion:
“NO, I DON’T WANT TO COME TO YOUR BAND’S COFFEE SHOP CONCERT” – Your Best Friend

HEADLINES THIS WEEK

front page:
COMMUTER WAKES UP, TURNS OFF ALARM, GOES BACK TO SLEEP

local:
TWO FRESHMEN SEEN WALKING TOGETHER, PRESUMED DATING

arts & entertainment:
CHORALE WHITTLED DOWN INTO QUARTET

lifestyles:
MALE NUDITY ESSENTIAL TO MALE BONDING

business:
NCU COFFEE SHOP FAILING BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS IT EXISTS

health:
LITERAL HEART ONLY FIGURATIVELY BROKEN

opinion:
“I BASICALLY TEACH MY STRATEGIC MANAGEMENT CLASS” -ALAN KARRER

HEADLINES THIS WEEK

front page:
DEPARTMENT CHAPEL: NOT JUST FOR SKIPPING ANYMORE

local:
FRESHMEN GIRL DIDN’T REALIZE SHE WAS BEING HIT ON

business:
HURTING NCU BUSINESS DEPARTMENT TO MERGE WITH FINE ARTS

sports:
RAMS SOCCER TEAM PENALIZED FOR PROPHESYING A LOSS FOR THEIR OPPONENTS

technology:
WIRELESS INTERNET IN CLAY COMMONS REQUIRES A WIRE

health:
“TYPING ELBOW” NOT A VIABLE EXCUSE FOR SKIPPING BOWLING CLASS

politics:
STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT KEEPS FORGETTING HE’S STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT

opinion:
“I’M PRETTY SURE THAT KID IN MY GLOBAL PERSPECTIVES CLASS IS THE WORST SPIDER SOLITAIRE PLAYER EVER.”-DJ Schoelen

Love Lost, Coping With a Cheater

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA: “I thought things were finally looking up for me,” cries first year Cross-Cultural Studies Major Brandon Desalvo. “We stayed up all night talking about God and Chapel and foreign countries.” After approximately one week of seemingly exclusive ‘deep conversation’ rights, Desalvo thought he had laid a strong enough foundation to ask fellow freshman Sarah Larson out to coffee. But all his hopes and dreams came crashing down when he saw her in a semi-intense conversation with Matt Schmidt outside their Block B Spiritual Formations Class.

“I really thought we had an unspoken connection when she told me how much she wanted to help land-mine survivors in Cambodia.” Desalvo believed God had called him to that extact same region of the world for that exact same reason at a Snow Camp in 2002 at Lake Geneva Christian Center in Alexandria, MN. But just as fate was weaving their lives together, that one chance encounter ripped it all away.

“Emotional Cheating is not as physical or outright noticable as the actual act of Sexual Cheating, but it’s effects can be just as devestating to a blossoming relationship.” A Youth Professor at North Central University explains. “Especially at this age, a situaton like Brandon’s could adversely affect his school work and his social life for at least a few weeks, maybe even until midterms.”

Is there a solution? The only way to move on from a hardship like this is to just ‘keep on, keeping on’. “The plus side of college life is that there are so many other people to meet and interact with.” Though Desalvo is in the depths of his pained loss now, he is hopeful towards the future of being a ‘free man’ for awhile. He has changed his major from Cross-Cultural to Music and has written “a bunch of songs” directly dealing with his situation with Larson. He currently is looking for a drummer, bassist, and two guitarist’s to finalize the line-up of his post-acoustic ensemble The Clarity Project. -Bernstein