Unofficial NCU “Bak2Skool” Shopping List

VARIOUS RETAILERS – In the grand American tradition of which we are helplessly a part of, nothing commemorates the beginning of yet another fresh start then a senseless shopping spree. The commencement of a North Central Spring semester provides us an opportunity to reflect on our academic progress, set new goals for achievement and excellence, focus again on the priorities we’ve established in our lives – or at the very least buy things we don’t need in order to make something occasionally unpleasant seem less like a chore.

In appreciation of our proud national past time of veiling our responsibilities with shiny boxes and proliferating name brands, the Northern Plight proudly presents the Unofficial North Central University Bak2Skool Shopping List. Enjoy!

METAL BOUND NLT BIBLE
To replace that totally uncool leather bound NLT your grandma gave you for graduating from high school.

RICK WARREN’S LATEST THRILLER
Because, let’s be honest, you gotta read everything he writes.

RAMEN NOODLES INSTANT LUNCH
Sensible. Nutritious. Eclectic.

ANOTHER NORTH CENTRAL SWEATSHIRT – A BROWN ONE!
Because you can never over inform people of your chosen institution for undergraduate studies.

HIP MESSENGER BAG
Even though a sensible Jansport evenly distributes the weight of your laptop and books over both shoulders on the strongest part of your body, it simply doesn’t carry the mystique of those low riding side packs hanging from your smarting left side.

APPLE COMPUTER STOCK
Ok, not really. But you’re all about Apple stuff since you bought that Macbook with the free nano last year.

SOME NOTEBOOKS AND PENS AND STUFF
Afterall, you will occasionally be attending classes during the next semester.

Christian Dinner Party Discusses World Poverty Over Stuffed Lobster and Caviar

“Frankly, in order to make a real difference, we’re all going to have to make sacrifices. Oh, could you please pass the cream sauce? – Lifelong Evangelical Christian Leonard White

EDINA, MN – Sam and Hannah Kannon finally got together for dinner with their friends Leonard and Julianne White last Friday night. The long time attenders of First Assembly Tabernacle had been discussing spending time together ever since Martha and Julianne ran into each other unexpectedly in the condiment aisle of Byerly’s 3 years ago. The evening’s conversation topics ranged from the warranty on Leonard’s new Buick to the recipe for the meringue on the dessert. As the main course was served, talk turned to more serious items like politics, religion, and eventually, the situation of world poverty.

“Well, that missionary last Sunday just broke my heart with his video of all those hungry Africans,” said Julianne White as she lit the candles in the table’s centerpiece. “We wrote him a check so he can give all those poor kids some Bibles.”

“I think part of the offering also went to building a school in a remote village,” added Hannah Kannon.

Leonard White cleared his throat gruffly, and complained, “It’s too bad about that school. After all, what’s the point of feeding people or teaching them to read if they’re just going to go to hell anyway?”

This seemed to end the line of conversation until Sam Kannon inquired whether or not meeting physical needs might make people more receptive to hearing what could meet their spiritual needs.

“I suppose that might work,” responded Julianne White. “But then we’d have to buy a lot of food to give away, wouldn’t we?” She added after offering her guests more potatoes.

Leonard paused for a moment before pronouncing thoughtfully, “I see your point but it all just sounds too Catholic to me. We can’t afford to make the Gospel a good works thing. I mean, it’s not like Jesus wasted time feeding people or providing medical help when there was a sermon to be preached.”

A few moments later Hannah began explaining how at times Jesus’ gospel seemed to be a two fold message of promising a fuller life both now and after death when Leonard interrupted by explaining how Jesus also said we’d always have the poor with us so it was better not to worry too much about trying to help them.

The discussion subject then changed to the unusual amount of storms the Twin Cities had been experiencing recently and the dinner continued without incident. The Kannons left around 10:30 that evening with promises of getting together again soon, and both couples later told reporters how delicious the lemon meringue was. – WOODWARD

Bridge Tragedy Leaves Rampant Trail of Realizing What’s Important In Life

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Practically no one in Minnesota watched hit reality television show “So You Think You Can Dance” last night during Fox’s Wednesday lineup. Experts cite real reality from downtown Minneapolis capturing viewers attention when the 35W bridge connecting the east and west banks of the Mississippi River collapsed leaving at least 4 dead and 79 wounded. According to analysts, many regular viewers of standby shows like “America’s Next Top Model” or “The Daily Show,” forwent their regular evening in front of the TV in order to call a relative they haven’t spoken to in a while or to say a prayer on behalf of the families of victims.

#1 In Ratings

No One Cared

Additionally, Apple Stores reported 40% less shoppers inquiring about the iPhone, a rally protesting the mistreatment of muskrats was called off, and whiny radio talk show hosts, in light of recent events, could find nothing Hilary Clinton said significant enough to justifiably complain about.

This statewide sobering of values has left many Minnesota retailers and cosmetic surgeons worried. “We always see a big dip in sales after a tragedy,” said a department store manager at the Mall of America, “It’s always bad for business when dads say ‘I love you’ to their kids instead of buying them an HDTV.” But local jewelry store owner, Isaac Luzbinski isn’t worried. “This is America,” he told reporters, “Buying useless stuff is how we deal with tragedy.”

As area ministers and priests prepare for the guaranteed influx in attendance this Sunday, many ask themselves how long this adjustment in perspective will last. “Tragedy shouldn’t be the only reminder of what we value,” said one minister, “but sometimes it’s all we’ll respond to.” – Woodward