HEADLINES this week

front page:

SENIOR GIVES UP GIVING UP THINGS FOR LENT

local:

NCU STUDENT MISTAKES BASS DRUM BEAT FOR HOLY SPIRIT

sports:

INTRAMURAL BASKETBALL MORE EXCITING THAN EXTRAMURAL BASKETBALL

arts & entertainment:

DEMON POSSESSED ACTOR WINS TONY AWARD FOR ROLE IN NCU’S “SCREWTAPE LETTERS”

lifestyles:

ULTRA CONSERVATIVE, HOME SCHOOLED, FAT KID DIDN’T WANT YOU AS A ROOMMATE ANYWAY

technology:

NEW CANDLE WARMER WARMS HEARTS, CANDLES

opinion:

“MORE PEOPLE WOULD BE CHRISTIANS IF JESUS COULD HAVE BEEN MORE LIKE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE” -Tiffany Lebowitz

HEADLINES THIS WEEK

front page:
HOLY SPIRIT SKIPS CHAPEL TO GO TO CHIPOTLE

local:
ROOMMATE LEAVES 5 TYPES OF BODILY FLUID IN SHOWER OVER COURSE OF SEMESTER

sports:
NCU BASKETBALL STANDS COLLAPSE, ALL FOUR IN ATTENDANCE DEAD.

politics:
“ABORTION IS MURDER” BUMPER STICKER REPLACED WITH “ABORTION IS A VERY COMPLICATED ISSUE FOR WHICH THERE IS NO CUT AND DRY ANSWER”

relationships:
GAY BLACK MAN SICK OF STRAIGHT WHITE PEOPLE WANTING HIM TO BE THEIR “ONE FRIEND”

opinion:
“I DON’T WANT TO READ YOUR ESSAY ANY MORE THAN YOU WANT TO WRITE IT” – Your Professor