HEADLINES FOR THIS WEEK

front page:
JUNIOR JUST NOW LEARNING WHERE DARFUR IS

local:
CAMPUS HEARTTHROB GETS HAIRCUT, STUDENT BODY MOBILIZED TO COMPLIMENT

student life:
FRESHMEN HASN’T BEEN OUTSIDE NCU BUILDINGS/SKYWAYS SINCE WELCOME WEEK

lifestyle:
CHAPEL SPEAKER SPICES UP BORING SERMON WITH UGLY POWERPOINT

relationships:
NAIVE FRESHMEN WARNED ABOUT NEW BOYFRIEND, IGNORES ADVICE

opinion:
“NO, I DON’T WANT TO COME TO YOUR BAND’S COFFEE SHOP CONCERT” – Your Best Friend

HEADLINES THIS WEEK

front page:
COMMUTER WAKES UP, TURNS OFF ALARM, GOES BACK TO SLEEP

local:
TWO FRESHMEN SEEN WALKING TOGETHER, PRESUMED DATING

arts & entertainment:
CHORALE WHITTLED DOWN INTO QUARTET

lifestyles:
MALE NUDITY ESSENTIAL TO MALE BONDING

business:
NCU COFFEE SHOP FAILING BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS IT EXISTS

health:
LITERAL HEART ONLY FIGURATIVELY BROKEN

opinion:
“I BASICALLY TEACH MY STRATEGIC MANAGEMENT CLASS” -ALAN KARRER