Interview With Obscure Bible Reference Ministries International (OBRMI)

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – When Evan Pentington from Obscure Bible Reference Ministries International contacted me seeking an interview, I was overwhelmed by our fortune. The Northern Plight had reached a point where major organizations in the realms of ministry both at home and abroad were seeking us out to get the word out on their projects. If you’re unfamiliar with Evan Pentinington and OBRMI, so was I. But I’ll let the transcript of our meeting at a local, trendy independent coffee shop introduce him to you.

Linus Woodward: Mr. Pentington thank you so much for meeting with me today. You have no idea what an honor it is for a little blog like ours to have an exclusive interview with someone in your position.

Evan Pentington: The pleasure is all mine, Leonard. I’ve enjoyed reading your Christian magazine or major online news source ever since its inception in (checking his notes) 2007.

LW: You must do these kinds of interviews often.

EP: Only because OBRMI’s message of spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ, shaking the nations, and being a light is so important.

LW: So why don’t you tell me a little bit about Obscure Bible Reference Ministries International. Is this an organization you founded?

EP: OBRMI started out of a vision I had for making Jesus famous in this land. We live in a hurting world, Linwood, and in the Bible Jesus tells us that if we don’t reach out to that hurting world and make it an unhurting world, than he’ll have to die on a cross. That’s the vision of OBRMI. To see every soul won for the cause of Christ.

LW: I suppose I don’t understand exactly. Is your organization primarily evangelistic in nature, or is it like a social gospel thing?

EP: I’m happy you asked, because really were both. But were also neither. Obscure Bible Reference isn’t about labels, Lionel. Some people call us Evangelistic, some call us Social goggle, some even call us the nectar of Heaven in a non-profit skin. But that’s not really what it’s about. It doesn’t really matter what people think we do with the money they donate to us, as long as somewhere, someone is being a planet shaker, doing what Jesus would do, and we have a cool logo and a website.

LW: Let’s talk about the website. I checked it out yesterday and…

EP: Did you join our email newsletter list?

LW: Yes, you sent me a prayer card, a pdf of a picture of Jesus holding a lamb that looked like you scanned it from a coloring book, and a computer virus.

EP: But we have a flash intro.

LW: Yes, that was my problem. I couldn’t really find out anything about OBRMI. It was just a flash animation on a continuous loop playing Hillsong music and a display of various startling stats from around the world zooming across the screen.

EP: I bet you never realized that 9 out of 10 of all Albanians have never heard of OBRMI.

LW: What does that name even mean? Obscure Bible Reference? And why do you have International on it? Do you even own a passport?

EP: Well, I’m glad you asked Lewis. At first, our name was Balaam’s Ass Ministries, but we got into copyright trouble with a feed company. Then it was Jaazaniah Son Of Azzur International. This name is taken from Ezekiel 11, where it says Jaazaniah was a leader among the people, which is something we thought we’d like to represent us. Eventually we just kind of threw them both together. We feel that it’s a name that really represents the 2 core values of our organization.

LW: Ambiguity and misdirection?

EP: Sounding Important and Relationships

LW: What is it that you do anyway? Why are you here in Minneapolis?

EP: It’s simple Lenny, I do the will of God. Today, God tells me to have a meeting with a concerned-looking reportery person like you, tomorrow he might tell me to set up a booth at your school, Northcenter, and ask impressionable college kids to join my ministry. You see the will of God is a lot like this plush chair. It contours to your body when you sit in it but it never stops being a chair. And that’s the key, it never stops being a chair. Remember what Moses said about the will of God? It’s not what you can do for the will of God but what the will of God can do for you.

LW: Mr. Pentington that makes absolutely no sense and I’m almost certain is heresy. Frankly, all you’ve done for the past 20 minutes is string together Christian buzzwords, praise a vague institution you claim to have founded that meets needs in the world, and call me no less than 5 first names; none of which are my own.

EP: You know you seem like an intelligent young man, Leroy. How’d you like to intern with me next summer?

LW: This interview is over.

Evangelist Strings Together Disconnected Stories, Garnishes Emotional Response

TWIN CITIES, MN – Traveling Evangelist Darren Gage rocketed into town this week with the fanfare and promotions regularly reserved for celebrities and rock stars. Utilizing loosely topical testimonies, charismatic regressions, and a well polished conclusion, Gage successfully brought more then half the crowd congregated at First Assembly Church in Minneapolis to the altar in response to a vague call to experience God. Pastor of First Assembly of more then 20 years, Nathan Cross, was delighted with the response of his congregation but afraid of the aftermath.

“I love it when Darren comes in to town. I swear, sometimes I feel like it’s the only time I feel God all year,” said long time First Assembly attender Jason Irving.

“Darren Gage makes being a Christian seem so easy and fun. I don’t want to criticize, but sometimes Pastor Nathan makes it all so complicated. Plus, Darren is so funny!” observed one attendee who described herself as new to “this church thing.”

Like a fun-loving, free-spirited uncle who spoils his sister’s kids with candy the rare times he’s in town, Evangelist Darren Gage came and went this week. Questions and memories of that epic weekend are likely to be compared to the less explosive Biblical discipleship and community normally taught on Sunday mornings for weeks to come. Last year, parishioners were quoted discussing the size of the spider in Darren Gage’s Africa story well into the Christmas season. This year, it is likely the discussion will continue, as Gage told a similar story, this time of a spider in South America whom he rebuked with the same passage of scripture. At this time it is unclear whether the Evangelist had 2 separate experiences with spiders, or if the same demonic spider followed him transatlantic.

“In recent years on the foreign aid field, there has been a movement towards development rather than aid,” explained Pastor Nathan Cross quite matter-of-fact and unfunnily.

“People have found they have more success teaching people how to grow food, rather then simply dropping it off and leaving,” he added without a single tear jerking anecdote.

“It creates a culture of independence rather then dependence on someone else for sustenance. Unfortunately, it requires more time, and often a relationship with those that need help,” he continued, though I was quite ready for the interview to be done, and was already thinking about lunch.

“I wonder if there’s something we can learn from them.” He added thoughtfully staring off into space rather then accusingly glaring into my eyes. – WOODWARD