OPINION “I don’t think this is gonna work out.” -A letter of dismissal to NCU

-NCU Junior

“I really didn’t want it to end this way. Two and a half years is quite an investment in one another and I hate to throw it all away. But I think we need to start seeing other people. No, no, it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve grown up, I’ve changed. I’m not the same naive 18 year old that fell in love with you.

Yes, of course I remember first semester of freshmen year. Those were the best months of my life. We’ve just transformed into two different people. You’ve always been the steady one, at first I was just so excited to be with you I didn’t realize how different we really were. I understood how much going to Chapel meant to you and I honored that. But lately I am just to weary to fake it anymore. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you.

And no, I’m not seeing anyone else right now. It’s just not gonna work out. I want you to know how much you meant to me these past few years and I hope I meant something to you as well. No, seriously don’t talk like that, you’ll find someone new. There are plenty of high school seniors temporarily on fire for God, just waiting to be accepted and loved by someone exactly like you.

If I can be a little honest for a second. There is one thing I think could have saved us. The fact that all you do is take and take and take, and rarely ever give. I’ve spent so much money on you, money that I wanted to spend at the time, but have regretted as of late. Ya you were fun, but you never seemed to pour into me as much as I poured into you. The majority of our relationship was completely one sided. If you really want to find a relationship that lasts, you should really work on that. I loved you, you hurt me, this is the end of us North Central.

Oh yeah, I’m going out to Applebees in Roseville with the UofM and Bethel tomorrow. I know how much you like the half price appetizers but it would be really awkward if you showed up. So try to avoid doing that, it’s the least you could do.”

-Former NCU Junior currently trying to transfer the only 18 credits any other college will accept.

“Boycott The Chapel Audit:” An Open Letter From Woodward to the Student Body

Hello my friends.

For the first time on this blog, I write not as a humorist but as a fellow student. Like many of you, I was surprised, offended, and largely disappointed yesterday when I found out about the audit that occurred after chapel. (A chapel audit being the “check-out” list that was compiled after the service to be compared to the “check-in” at the beginning, designed to catch those students who checked in without actually attending chapel).

While not actually being present—nor being checked in—I nonetheless felt disrespected and a little ashamed of my school for such a petty act. What disappointed me even more was the attitudes I picked up on of many other students who talked about the audit, not in terms of it’s childishness or futility, but in terms of whether or not they got caught, or why they should have to go to chapel in the first place.

I will not say much about the morality of “slashing and dashing” or “who should or shouldn’t have gotten caught.”—such topics belong in another article. Instead, I only want to discuss the abject failure of North Central in creating a healthy chapel culture (as evidenced most effectively by a very unhealthy chapel audit), and why students have every right to feel cheated, patronized, and belittled by these recent actions.

The primary failure of the North Central chapel program is the lack of a positive chapel environment to which students actually want to attend. While I do believe programming has a big part to play in this problem (the humorous idiosycrasies of chapel culture are well documented on this blog) I think the bulk of the issue rests with us, the students. Simply put, we view chapel as something we have to do—a chore. Such an attitude is very evident even in our language (we don’t get to go chapel we have to go to chapel). Such a sour view of something inevitably creates a negative environment fueled by criticism. The results are:

1) students who don’t want to go chapel, so they don’t, and get fined for it,
2) students who don’t want to go to chapel, so they don’t, but sign in so they wont get fined, or
3) students who don’t want to go to chapel, but do go because they feel guilty, and spend the whole time sitting there thinking about how much they don’t want to go to chapel.

I would argue that such attitudes are unhealthy and cannot improve when ignored but only spread.

But while the issue rests with the students, I believe the institution is at fault for creating this culture with us via their policies. Even their language promotes negativity towards chapel (imagine what a change it would be to measure attendance by something positive like chapel goes and not chapel skips). The more the institution reinforces the idea of the necessity of our presence at chapel, it is inevitable that the student body will connotate the chapel as a place we have to instead of get to go to.

The time, energy, and resources wasted in order to conduct yesterday’s hopelessly arbitrary chapel audit is prime evidence for North Central’s failure to provide students with the necessary positive reinforcement to attend chapel.

Any psychology professor worth his books will tell you that negative reinforcement (even towards positive behavior) may be effective in the short term, but over the long term can create serious health problems in an individual. Likewise, any sociologist or historian could list off the failures of governments and institutions throughout history who repeatedly utilized “obey us or else” tactics.

Were it up to me, chapel would be 3 times per week and optional. Such a policy would guarantee a quality, celebratory program that was attended only by the people that really wanted to be there. But it is not up to me. And while I’ve had these thoughts for a long time, I’ve never had a proper platform to voice them, nor known an appropriate action to take to bring change. However, thanks to the Northern Plight, I know have both.

Should I ever be in another chapel service again that conducts an audit, I will not participate. This is not because I wish to “fight the system” or start some adolescent revolution. I simply refuse to continue to participate in a chapel policy system that inevitably creates cynicism and negativity on our campus.

It occurs to me now that if enough of you joined me in boycotting the chapel audit, we might taint their numbers enough to make their records unusable, but sabotage isn’t really my ultimate aim. I wont participate, even if I’m the only person who walks out those doors without giving my name for the second time. They can fine me if they wish, but that will only provide me with the opportunity to meet with someone in the institution to lodge a complaint and voice my opinion. I’m sorry, but these attitudes—and tactics that promote them—do not belong on our college campus.

 Thank you for your time, and as always, be awesome.

Woodward

OPINION “Swallow Your Pride, It’s Chapel Audit Time”

 

by a Student Development Official

“Alright fellow Christians, it’s that time of year. The Student Development Department has run out of productive things to do so we are re-initiating random Chapel audits! We will finally get the best of you slash and dashers, beep and sleepers or whatever you call yourselves these days. You can’t run, you can’t hide, you can’t play dumb anymore. We’ve got more undercover spies then ever before.

I know what your thinking. You think you can just waltz into our esteemed offices and throw down one of your patented excuses. For example; “I had a job interview at 11:30″, “I went to the bathroom and had diarrhea and didn’t get out until all the sign out people had left”, or “I was up at the alter praying for like an hour after chapel”. The time has come to swallow your pride and own up to your sins.

For the last few years we have simply made the culprits pay a fine but this year we are going to use you against your own people. For every chapel skipper you name you get 10$ credited to your school account and for every ten you get a free NCU spirit ring that retails for 9.99$ at the NCU Bookstore. So not only will you be helping out your fellow classmates by uncovering their hidden sinful nature you will also be supporting the good ‘ole NCU!

We are also going to implement a random lottery for those who do stay throughout the entire duration of chapel. The daily winners will receive one free milkshake coupon to be redeemed at the deli. Good luck! We are also in the process of designing a mandatory chapel uniform with everyones name and student ID number on the back. You must wear these t-shirts everyday to chapel and if you try to leave early our motion sensor camera will take a snapshot of your shirt and retribution will be ours. I almost talked my superiors into installing seat belts into all the seats in the chapel that can only be unlocked by staff members, but something about not being able to escape in case of a fire benched that scheme.

Regardless, I hope you take fair warning that if you try to cheat the system you will be caught. We’ve spent over $35,000 and countless man hours to make sure of that. You can never outrun big brother, we’re always one step ahead. Oh and God bless.”

Poll: Why Are You Skipping Chapel?

36%- Can’t stand watching bass player fall in love with himself all over again.

24%- So you can be first in line for the cafeteria

17%- Family Feud is just way too awesome to pass up.

13%- Jeff Deyo wasn’t worth having to put pants on.

6%- Sticking it to the man. Bethel’s Chapel service isn’t mandatory why is ours?

4%- Still can’t stop nose bleed from Phillipps Boxing Tourney last night.

Chapel Powerpoint Guy: “Doing The Best I Can”

LOST SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SLIDE 3 AND POINT II, MINNEAPOLIS – Technology development has been a major focus at North Central University in the last few years but balancing what is necessary with what the school can actually pull off continues to be a struggle. In an effort to impress someone, anyone, North Central University has endeavored to incorporate increasingly complex and aimless visual technology into their chapel services. Both Powerpoint sermons and graphic images displayed during worship music have contributed to the nonsense and David Timmerman is the young man in charge of making it all happen.

“I don’t mean to get so far behind in the powerpoints during sermons, sometimes I just space out,” said Timmerman apologetically to reporters this morning when questioned about unimpressive visual presentations last week. “You’re in no position to complain. I’m the only guy around here willing to do this every week. You’re stuck with my incompetence.”

“When did it become necessary to have impressive visuals in order to have a fricking chapel service? That’s what I want to know.” Says NCU Senior and swearing without swearing expert Michael Price. “Seriously, it’s not like anyone’s life is getting changed by videos of candles behind the song words anyway. They’re just a distraction.”

But not everyone is critical of the half-hearted, thrown together, cheesy attempt at graphical relevance. NCU Chapel Spokesperson, Betsy Tolingsworth explains, “The church is locked into a bloody battle with MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon, and Star Wars, for the hearts and minds of the young people of this country. We need to prove our worship services are a mind-bending, edge of your seat thriller experience just like any other entertainment venue. Plus, we spent so much money on this stuff, we’re kind of stuck using it now.”

Lakewood Church Houston - Widely regarded as the best church ever.

And while many students do their best to ignore the stranger whose uplifted arms hang statically in lush green fields and grammatical errors such as “Jesus your my everything” and “god is bigger then the air I breathe,” David Timmerman trudges on, oblivious to the raging debate surrounding his bumbling antics. Timmerman proves to us all there’s no joke with timing he can’t screw up, and no video testimony he can’t delay starting to create an awkward pause. – WOODWARD