NCU Altar Fed Up With Broken Promises

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA-The altar at NCU has been a place of repentance, grace, and mercy for the past 80 years. Accepting its role as the soaker up of tears, it has been a place that thousands of students have “rededicated” their lives to God. But this former platform for promises has announced that it is sick and tired of being simply a throne for lies.

“It wasn’t always this way.” The altar explains, “People used to actually change, now they just pour out their hearts, ask for forgiveness, then forget about everything on their way to lunch. I can’t carry this burden anymore.”

 The altar doesn’t only blame the students. Also pointing the finger at chapel speakers, the worship band, and just a general decline in authenticity in the Christian culture. ”I’ve witnessed the most pathetic me calls ever.” The Altar continues, “This one missionary didn’t even call out specific issues. He just commanded everyone who had been hurt by their friends at some point to come down to me and pray. You’d think he was getting paid per response.”

The NCU altar has been joined by thousands of other Christian College and church altars all around the nation. All of them fed up with the overall increase in broken promises being spouted through tears of deceit. After witnessing the success of the Writers Guild of America strike, the altars intend to institute a strike of their own. They plan to picket outside of the AG Headquaters in Springfield, MO until their demand for honesty, integrity, and authenticity on the part of their patrons are met. 

GUEST EDITORIAL: Student Didn’t Raise Hands During Chapel

By: Fred Jones

Were you in chapel last Tuesday? I wasn’t going to go either, but I ran out of skips three weeks ago and decided I wouldn’t slash and dash for once. Anyway, while I was there, you know, doing the whole Christian worship thing, I noticed that a girl in the fourth row of the right hand middle section didn’t raise her hands during the entire worship portion of the service. Not even halfway. I, for one, am outraged.

The whole row was getting into it except for her. The girl three seats in from the left was performing the “bounce up and down while screaming, ‘We love you Jesus’ randomly and wave your arms fanatically like some ADD child on crack.” Even the obvious bitter agnostic emo guy had his arms spread wide and was swiveling back and forth as if a disturbed man who is tired of life, teetering over the edge, and deciding whether or not to end it all while humming the tune of “The World I Know” by Collective Soul. Yet this girl stood silently, barely mouthing the lyrics.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, when the speaker came up to prime the spiritual pump with the traditional prayer before the message, she slid her hands into her pockets as she slowly bowed her head to pray. Both hands! She might not have even had her eyes closed, but I shouldn’t speculate, after all, that would be gossiping.

With cases like these, it’s no wonder the New York Times gave the Assemblies of God church it’s own denomination in it’s recent poll of populations by religions. If we as an AG body are going to once again fall under our rightful denomination as a Pentecostal church, we need to cast out heretics like this. Honestly, no self-respecting Pentecostal church member would be caught dead worshipping in such a way that might be called “half-hearted.” If the members of this body aren’t putting on the most elaborate display of boisterous, self-righteous gallivanting possible, something has gone terribly wrong. I find myself wondering, with people like her, why even go to chapel?

When I think about this heretic, I remember the words of Christ so fondly; “Let he who has committed no sin cast the first stone.” I think this verse applies to the entire AG Church, and she is the sinner to be stoned.

As I exited my aisle in order to leave before the lunch rush hit me, I noticed that she too had gotten up to leave at 11:50. Obviously, she was too much of a hypocrite to stay late and be convicted for her transgressions. When I politely asked her what she thought of the service, she nonchalantly replied, “Good.” Real Pentecostal Christians would have used long sentences with really big words to show just how spiritual they are. Obviously someone is living a lie. And you know where liars go; the same place hypocrites and gossipers go. To paraphrase Luke 18:11, thank you Lord that I am not one of those.

"Trask Worship Center" To Be Renamed "Center For Trask Worship"

THE CHAPEL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – In an effort to indicate North Central is not only a Christ-Centered but also a Springfield-Centered University, officials have announced a new name for the main assembly building. This multi-million dollar campus centerpiece originally titled “The Trask Word and Worship Center,” will now be called “The Center For Trask Worship.” This announcement has reportedly been in the works ever since Thomas Trask stepped down as General Superintendent of the Assemblies of God last summer. Theories abound as to why the change has occurred now, but many believe the name is a statement of allegiance to a more traditional approach to the church.

“We toyed around with a few ideas,” one anonymous building committee member told reporters. “‘The Center For Worshipping God With The Initial Physical Evidence of Speaking In Tongues’ was a contender for a while; so was ‘The Chapel of Traditional Pentecostal Worship and None Of That Scary Emerging Business.’ Frankly, the only reason ‘Revival Or Bust, Center For Attacking The Gates of Hell’ didn’t pass was because ‘The Center For Trask Worship’ was easier to put together using the words from the old sign.”

The name change has received mixed reviews from students, faculty, and alumni alike. Some have criticized the name change for being a “step backwards into tradition” while others have commended the renaming and the focus it seems to connotate as a “return to traditional values.”

“The debate about method, paradigms, and the structure of church in the 21st century continues to crawl along in the American Assemblies of God, and such a change is a bold statement by an AG University,” said one source close to those responsible for the decision. “One wonders if such drastic statements in this direction (or any other for that matter) is wise when trying to encourage honest discussion regarding these issues.”

While “The Center For Trask Worship” may indeed be an important statement for those who have an interest in the outcome of that debate, students who still attend the building daily for their chapel attendance requirement expect little change. All reports indicate chapel will remain going an average of 10 minutes over time and require you to act like you care about school sports. – WOODWARD

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