Pentecostals Accepting Ideas For Eleventh Commandment

BIBLE BELT, USA- Not to lose stride with Catholicism, who last month issued a list of 7 social sins to exist alongside the original 7 deadly sins, Pentecostals are now accepting ideas for an eleventh commandment. Here are a few early favorites for the coveted spot accompanied by some quick explanations

*Thou shalt not use substitutes that shadow a true evil.

(Basically everything is off limits. Fake swear words like frick, dang, rats, crud, and spit? Unacceptable. Drinking anything labeled a Soft-Drink? Unacceptable. Pre-Marital Masturbation? Don’t even think about it. Anything that is even close to looking, tasting, or acting like a sin is off limits.)

*Thou shalt hold no American Idol’s above Kelly Clarkson.

(She is the one true American Idol. Carrie Underwood is pretty good looking and moderately talented. I’d say if Kelly was God, Carrie would definitely be Lucifer. Following this illustration Pop Music would be Heaven and Country Music would be Hell.)

*Thou shalt ne’er use the Golden Rule as an excuse to hit someone back.

(We’ve all tried it. Got smacked by a friend and slapped them back. Then using “Do unto others as they do unto you” as justification. Their rebuttal was usually “Don’t strike back’ is in the Bible too!” or “Turn the other cheek.” This is just further proof that you can manipulate scripture to support anything you damn well please.

*Thou shalt legalize Marijuana.

(The argument that “God made it, so how can it be wrong?” comes to fruition. A survey showed that everyone who has voted for this particular one also voted for “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band to replace “Amazing Grace” as the most popular Hymn.)

*Thou shalt…

(It’s your turn)

-Bernstein

Guest Editorial: NCU Internet Filter to Block Calvinist Website

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – North Central University’s IT department announced earlier today that it would be instating new parameters for its cutting-edge internet filtration system, code-named Watch Guard. As of 12:00 AM on April 9th, any attempt to browse the well known Calvinistic website www.desiringgod.org will result in the exception code line “One or more categories denied helper=’WebBlocker.3′ details=rivaltheologicalviewpoints’”

“We just want to keep our students safe from anything that might challenge their faith in the Sixteen Fundamental Truths,” explains IT Director Rhonda Birkheart. “It’s all apart of IT’s mission statement, ‘Purity through isolation’. People don’t give us enough credit around here, we are as vital to the spiritual integrity of this school as chapel is or even Foundations of Leadership class.”

While North Central students seemed to gladly accept the restriction of March Madness bracket contests in an effort to control the rampant gambling crisis on campus, the general response to this latest action has been mixed. “There is absolutely no way I’ll be able to get enough research for my paper on deviant cults now. And the Minneapolis Public Library is only open 45 minutes a week now due to budget restraints.” Fifth year Junior pastoral studies major Jeb Tindall complains.

North Central’s actions are well justified as the website in question blatantly displays a claim that visitors can find, “Books, sermons, articles, and more to help you find your joy in God.” With a little digging, students might unfortunately stumble upon sermons titled “God’s Good News Concerning His Son” and “Resist the Devil!”

Some sources say that instructions for the change came directly from Assemblies of God headquarters in Springfield, MO. These rumors were not able to be confirmed at press time. The outcome of this website blockage is unknown to us at this time, but whatever will happen is most likely unavoidable and was probably destined to happen since the beginning of time.

Written by a Guest Editor

Posted and edited by Bernstein

HEADLINES this week

Special thanks to a few contributors on these. Anyone who has a few good ones, send them to Northernplight@gmail.com.

front page:

PARENTS FOUND GUILTY IN EASTER CANDY RAZOR-BLADE DEATH

sports:

STUDENT WITH NO MEDICAL INSURANCE STITCHES OWN ROLLERBLADING WOUND

politics:

FAVORED T.A. SUES NCU FOR HUMAN TRAFFICKING

local:

LAST COLLEGE DAYS ATTENDEE FINALLY LEAVES, PREGNANT

arts & entertainment:

FRESHMEN’S “PLUCKING G-STRING” JOKE UNLEASHED ON UNSUSPECTING PUBLIC

lifestyles:

EMPTY TOILET PAPER ROLL STACK KNOCKED DOWN, BUT NOT OUT

opinion:

“Give me one good reason and I’ll stop awkwardly following you around.” -Not So Sneaky Kid Who Sits Sort Of By You At Lunch

NCU Creates Buzz With New Reality Show “Initial Evidence”

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA – In a press release this week, North Central University announced that it will be hosting and producing its own Christian reality show entitled “Initial Evidence”. The show borrows many different themes from other popular reality TV shows but is currently being describing as a cross between Survivor and American Idol.

A spokesperson for NCU explains, “We will interview and select 24 students that will be required to compete in a slew of Christian themed challenges that will increase in difficulty as the show progresses. The first challenge will be reminiscent of a Junior Bible Quiz tournament that will immediately narrow the field down to 12 finalists.”

The school is being relatively tight lipped about what the majority of the challenges will consist of but it did leak a few details about some of the more entertaining and “character revealing” tasks. One particularly interesting challenge will involve the contenders walking a tight rope across Elliot Park while throwing Salvation Tracks out to “heathens”. The challenge will be scored on time and accuracy.

“We are trying to incorporate as many different facets of Christian culture and evangelism as possible. But the final challenge will be a true test of perseverance, holiness, and sanctity,” The spokesperson continues, “The final two contestants will compete in a winner-take-all prayer language off, the person who can speak in tongues for the longest period of time will take home the handsome reward of a new leather bound Bible and a $250 scholarship for next semester.”

The media, at this time, has been given no reason as to why the pentecostal school decided to produce this sure fire mega-hit. Early speculation has pointed out one probable reason being the horrible economy and that a drop in new attendees is partly to blame. NCU most likely expects to make a good chunk of money off local sponsorships it intends to nail down to advertise during the show. As of right now, NCU has already signed four lucrative contracts with Mytshirtguys.com, Buffalo Wild Wings, Northwestern Bookstores, and Hooters. The first episode will air after the NCAA Championship game on CBS.

-Bernstein

Three Bands You Convinced Yourself Were Christian Artists That Weren’t

I was thinking about this today on my way to class. Not quite satirical but mildly entertaining.

Creed- We all fell for it. Don’t even try and lie. The first time you heard “Higher” and saw Scott Stapp throw his arms out you were duped too. The behind the music special didn’t help much either. Just because someone grows up AG and had to write the book of Psalms in its entirety every time they got in trouble does not make them a Christian. Even though the music wasn’t full of curse words and drug references, Stapp’s life sure was. I bought so many wife-beaters because of that guy, what a let down.

Lifehouse- Just because a band sounds, looks, and writes songs like a worship band doesn’t mean they are one. What Lifehouse had going for them was the fact that they could write really ubiquitous lyrics about girls and have a crap load of Christians think they were about God. Lifehouse is second only to Nickleback in rewriting the exact same song over and over again and just changing the lyrics. Hooray for the G and/or E chord progression and singing through your teeth!

MuteMath- I am not a huge music snob, but I do like to do a little research on bands I go to see in concert. A few of MuteMath’s members were formally in a Christian band, weren’t making any money, and formed a new group trying to avoid at all costs a Christian labeling. The lead singer is more of an Atheist than a Christian now. This didn’t detour like 15 people “worshiping” at their concert at the Fine Line a few months ago. So basically they were worshiping an Atheist’s sermon.

I could go on to list acts like Coldplay, U2, etc. But you guys get the idea.