OPINION “Swallow Your Pride, It’s Chapel Audit Time”

 

by a Student Development Official

“Alright fellow Christians, it’s that time of year. The Student Development Department has run out of productive things to do so we are re-initiating random Chapel audits! We will finally get the best of you slash and dashers, beep and sleepers or whatever you call yourselves these days. You can’t run, you can’t hide, you can’t play dumb anymore. We’ve got more undercover spies then ever before.

I know what your thinking. You think you can just waltz into our esteemed offices and throw down one of your patented excuses. For example; “I had a job interview at 11:30″, “I went to the bathroom and had diarrhea and didn’t get out until all the sign out people had left”, or “I was up at the alter praying for like an hour after chapel”. The time has come to swallow your pride and own up to your sins.

For the last few years we have simply made the culprits pay a fine but this year we are going to use you against your own people. For every chapel skipper you name you get 10$ credited to your school account and for every ten you get a free NCU spirit ring that retails for 9.99$ at the NCU Bookstore. So not only will you be helping out your fellow classmates by uncovering their hidden sinful nature you will also be supporting the good ‘ole NCU!

We are also going to implement a random lottery for those who do stay throughout the entire duration of chapel. The daily winners will receive one free milkshake coupon to be redeemed at the deli. Good luck! We are also in the process of designing a mandatory chapel uniform with everyones name and student ID number on the back. You must wear these t-shirts everyday to chapel and if you try to leave early our motion sensor camera will take a snapshot of your shirt and retribution will be ours. I almost talked my superiors into installing seat belts into all the seats in the chapel that can only be unlocked by staff members, but something about not being able to escape in case of a fire benched that scheme.

Regardless, I hope you take fair warning that if you try to cheat the system you will be caught. We’ve spent over $35,000 and countless man hours to make sure of that. You can never outrun big brother, we’re always one step ahead. Oh and God bless.”