Heaven or Bust: NCU Clubs That Didn’t Make It and Why

NCU is full  of co-curricular and extra-curricular activities and clubs. Groups like S.A.C., Delta Kappa, and Nine Days have become vital aspects of student life at NCU. Here is a list of clubs that just didn’t quite have it all together and a few reasons why.

 >Redemption Trading Card Gamers Guild<

The Christian’s version of “Magic” has a bible themed turn based role playing card game. It is as fun as it sounds. This club’s only meeting was brutally interrupted when one of the only two members got an ‘epic’ nose bleed. RIP.

>Cheerleading<

Though it seems that cheerleading is still around, what you fail to notice is that it is an entirely new group of girls every year. Most of the groups quit half way through the season, which is why this makes the list. Every year they try, every year they fail. I would love to be around the new group of “cut from the squad” high school cheerleaders when they decide this is a good idea. Everyone feels bad because they know the girls are trying their hardest, but that feeling isn’t strong enough to keep from laughing. See you next year girls.

>Yo-Yo Mania<

You can’t “bring back” something that was never here. Enough said.

>Carmen Electra Strip-Aerobics<

Getting in shape never looked so good. It also never caused so many male passersby to fall flat on their face. Though the Bible says that our body is a temple, I don’t think the temple doubled as a burlesque house. It was probably a good thing that this club didn’t make it.

>Drugbusters<

This ill-fated ministry group raised funds to go out and buy marijuana, crystal meth, and cocaine off of local drug dealers to “get it off the streets”. There are a few problems with this idea. First, their business was enabling the drug dealers to keep dealing. Secondly, four white, home schooled, 18 year old males, with a large sum of cash walking around South Minneapolis looking for drug dealers is a recipe for disaster.  And lastly, the group didn’t know how to properly dispose of the drugs and decided to burn them in the fireplace outside of the cafeteria… during lunch. The next few days were all a blur.

Poll: Why Did Your Car Get Booted?

36% – Forgot You Owned A Car

32%-You Heckled a Security Guard The Other Day When You Told Him He Had A Nice Asp

13%- Running Late For Class

12%- Thought Caffeine Addiction Was A Viable Handicap

4%- The Holy Spirit Told You To Park There

2%- Distracted By A Text Message, You Misread “Reserved For President” as “Reserved for Resident” 

1%-  Car Gave Off A “Suspicious Aura”

HEADLINES this week

front page:
ELLIOT PARK HOMELESS MOST LIKELY COLD

entertainment:
YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE IN LOVE WITH THE ACOUSTIC GUITARIST FROM YESTERDAY’S CHAPEL

local:
NO ONE CARES, HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT

politics:
YOUR UNFUNNY FRIEND PLANS ON VOTING FOR HIMSELF FOR PRESIDENT AND TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT IT

technology:
GET READY, MINI-DISC PLAYERS ARE COMING BACK

lifestyles:
PERSON WEARING SAME OUTFIT AS YOU DOES IN FACT LOOK BETTER

opinion:
“IF I HEAR ONE MORE CAUCUS JOKE, I’M VOTING FOR MIT ROMNEY” -EMILY JONES

Tell Me Why… Not So Rhetorical Questions About NCU, Christianity, and Life

I have a question… or perhaps I should add a (s) to question because even though I only have one at this time I’m sure a few more may pop in at any random moment.

A friend of mine over skipped chapel last semester and had to pay close to 300 dollars in fines. In the midst of their complaining about the system, I chose to play the devil’s advocate and explain that there were ample ways of keeping track of your skips and in the end it was their own fault. Their emotional response was that why should they get punished for not slashing and dashing while hundreds of other students who don’t go to chapel even once a semester get off scot-free?

Why do the honest people always get the poop end of the stick?

I was never a big drinker in high school. The “not a drop” policy at NCU kind of bugs me. Why did the AG decide to take a stand on that? I believe there are plenty of other sins and vices that sneak right under the radar. I think there should be a no tolerance policy at NCU on pride, gluttony, or sloth. I definitely support a dry campus and the fact that underage drinking is bad and illegal. But (for instance) shouldn’t a 25 year old married commuter be able to have a couple glasses of wine at his cousin’s wedding reception? Drinking is one thing, getting drunk is another. It’s the same as surfing the internet and looking at pornography or gambling away your money online. With the internet you have the capability to misuse it and abuse it, and if not used correctly it can easily become a tool for sinning. Why haven’t we outlawed the internet at NCU? It’s just as capable as destroying lives as alcohol.

Why did we choose alcohol as the poster-boy for sinning and view it as the first step down the road to Hell?

I’ll have more later. I’m late for an awesome class that I actually did my homework for.

-Schroeder “The Web Composer” Bernstein

Rejected By One Accord, Soon To Be Accepted By The World

ROGERS, MINNESOTA– Elias Framberg of North Central University had waited 6 years to try out for One Accord. This desire began when he saw them lead worship during his summer camp at Lake Geneva Christian Center in Alexandria, Minnesota. Though his friends hassled him, he practiced day and night with one goal in mind, to get accepted into the most revered musical group at NCU. But his dream came to an abrupt end when he was rejected from the group after only 3 minutes of auditioning. The organizer of the band cited that “there just isn’t enough room for an accordion player in One Accord.”

Instead of simply accepting the rejection, Framberg decided to be proactive and form his own one man band, naming it One Accordion. “I have a calling on my life to reach people with my God-given talent,” Framberg explains, “and so help me if one rejection is going to keep me from reaching my full potential in the Lord.” When asked about what kind of music he was going to play Framberg explained that he was going to write a few original “polkaship” pieces as well as cover a few One Accord favorites like “Some Avenue” and “I Met You”.

Framberg’s love for the squeezebox started after he listened to Weird Al Yankovic’s album “Bad Hair Day”. “I was torn, I knew Weird Al wasn’t a Christian artist but his music just spoke to me. I can’t really explain it, it was definitely a God thing.” Being completely self taught from the age of 8, Framberg entered a life of hard knocks trying to gain notoriety in local Polka circles. But after one fateful day, while squeezing away outside a record store in his home town of Rogers, the owner of the nearby Polka Club discovered him and offered Framberg a few non-paying gigs a month. “I just don’t understand how he didn’t make that band. He’s one of the best musicians to come out of Rogers in at least 4 years.” The club owner explains. “Regardless, I know his solo project will blow people away. Elias wasn’t meant to share the stage with nobody.”

Framberg plans on working double shifts as a dish washer in the NCU cafeteria to save up recording money. He has also started a website to raise funds for his project, which can be accessed at www.oneaccordionforjesus.com. He has already recorded a few demos on Apple’s Garageband and put them up on the site, the first single entitled “The Blood of the Lamb: First Waltz” has already received 214 plays. The entire album is probable for a Fall 2008 release, pending fund-raising. Framberg has been kicking around a few titles for the album, including: Squeezin’ Just To Be Pleasin’ Jesus, Feel The Polka Of God On Your Heart, and Don’t Mellow My Bellow, It’s For Jesus.

-Schroeder “The Overloader” Bernstein