OPINION- “I Know I’m Supposed to be Unconditionally Loving You but Your Loud Breathing Makes that Hard”

By Elizabeth Leier

“Excuse me large sir, I know that I am dutifully taught that I have to love everyone as unconditionally as God loves me. But seriously, could you breathe a little quieter? I was sitting in one of these comfortable chairs at this Caribou Coffee for at least one hour and 23 minutes before you decided to pop a squat in the other one. I understand that these plush cushions are prime real estate and scoring one is not only a game of chance but a uniquely acquired skill. I for one claimed mine after noticing the business-like lady beginning to fold her Sony Vaio up. Then quickly swooped in, to the dismay of approximately seven other coffee, trendy book, and hardwood chair consumers. But I’m getting away from my point.

I find it almost impossible to continue absorbing information, advice, and life lessons from C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity when my conscious thoughts keep getting distracted by your incessantly obnoxious attempt to inhale and exhale. I am not saying that I am sinless but I am almost sure that sloth and gluttony are two of the seven deadly sins. I know a few people that are overweight like you and they started a “Walking and Talking” small group at my church. Maybe I could put in a good word for you, here’s the group leader’s phone number.

I don’t mean to come off rude but I have been praying for your respiratory system since your blustery serenade began. It isn’t a disease or anything right? If it is I already prayed that you would get better. The only reason I ask you to stop breathing or move is because my own “Learning from Lewis” small group is meeting in two hours and I still need to finish the book. I might have already finished but I wasted so much time reading the same paragraph and praying for you to stop breathing… loudly.

I see that you have got that Sudoku puzzle almost half finished. And it is a 5 star! Congratulations, I have only been able to finish a 1 star and once I got some help and finished a 2 star. Maybe if the whole “Walking and Talking” thing works out and you lose weight you could teach me how to get good at Sudoku! That would be awesome, you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours! Alright, but now push has got to come to shove, I think I’m just gonna head over to Dunn Bros early. I gotta finish my reading you know. Good luck on your puzzle, and remember to give Carol a call, she’s pretty nice. God bless!”

Registrar Proudly Announces 5 More Arbitrary Forms For You To Fill Out

THE ROOM AT THE END OF THE HALL, MINNEAPOLIS – Coming back from Thanksgiving break, the North Central University Registrar’s Office has announced its plans for implementing 5 new pointless forms for students and faculty to be responsible for. The announcement fits into the grand plan outlined by Registrar earlier this year for increasing busy work by 25%, doubling red tape counts, and decreasing overall student’s graduation rate by the year’s end.

In a press conference earlier this week, a spokesperson for the Registrar’s Office explained the reasoning behind the new additions. “We feel students are simply getting too used to our processes. Some are even showing up at our office with all the necessary forms already completed, with the regretfully sensible result of their requests being processed and approved promptly, without leftover hoops through which they’ll need to jump. As we’ve designed the registration process to be as arduous and complicated as possible, this simply can not continue.”

The announcement is a disappointing one for many students and faculty, who feel The Registrar’s Office should instead make it their goal to turn students into graduates as painlessly as possible. But such goals are “idealistic,” says one Registrar Team Member. “Painless graduation would dramatically decrease our paperwork, and then what would I have to file all day?”

FORMS TO BE ADDED THIS WEEK INCLUDE:

1. Extension Approval Form – Salmon
This form must be filled out by student and approved by a professor before the instructor can grant you an extension for a homework assignment. It is designed to monitor student procrastination.

2. Chapel Attendance Approval Form – Cantaloupe
This form must be filled out by every student who is planning on attending chapel at all this semester. As chapel attendance is required, every student will need to fill this out. Must be approved by a professor who’s name begins with C. It is designed to make sure students want to attend chapel enough to fill out a form in order to do it.

3. Change of Major Confirmation Form – Honeydew
After filling out the various forms necessary for changing your major, it will be necessary to fill out this form, just to make sure it’s what you really want to do. Must be signed by a former secretary in the Student Accounts office who now lives in New Hampshire. Faxed Copies not accepted. It is designed to discourage people from changing their major, since what they picked when they were an ignorant freshmen is probably the best plan.

4. Form Submittal Form – Carnation
This form must be submitted with all other forms being turned into the Registrar’s office, along with photocopies of all forms with which it is attached. Must be signed by yourself, 8 times in various locations. It is designed to drive you mad.

5. Mystery Form – Lavender
This form must be submitted at some point, for some reason, to someone at the Registrar’s Office. Students will be expected to complete this form appropriately without proper direction or prior notification. Must be signed by a specific person Registrar has chosen but will not tell you, whom is unaware of their election to the role. It is designed just for fun.

- WOODWARD

News Snippets

CAMPUS BANDWIDTH EXPECTED TO DOUBLE WITH PURCHASE OF SECOND 56K MODEM
A SERIES OF TUBES, MINNEAPOLIS – North Central University expects to dramatically increase IM chat speeds this week with the purchase of another modem. “We figure this will bring our campus up from 2 to 4 users who can actually surf the internet comfortably,” announced an IT department press report earlier this week. Of special note, students will be required to suspend their internet use whenever the President needs to use his phone in order to free up the line.

STRUGGLING NCU BOOKSTORE SOLD TO HOOTERS
BASICALLY JUST TEXTBOOKS, MINNEAPOLIS – “I guess that fake football team we made up in order to get the sweatshirts was the final straw,” says NCU bookstore operator Sally Garfunkel, “once people found out we didn’t actually have a football team, they lost all interest.” The local purveyor of office supplies, Ramwear, worship pop music, and textbooks will close its doors for the final time this week. Confirmed buyer T&A sports bar chain Hooters is rumored to be opening a Christian version of their restaurant, tentatively to be called “Frickers.”

BRILLIANT “RISK” CAMPAIGN GOES UNADMIRED BY FLOORMATES
KAMCHATKA, 4WEST – The theater of war was thick with the sounds of battle yet the majority of civilians on 4West Carlson ambled by oblivious last Thursday night. Freshman Erik Vandergoven executed a risky bait in switch in his take over of North America from Sophomore Danny Banks, who admits Vandergoven is “a lot better at this strategy stuff” then him. Rather than gloat to his floor mates over about “how smart that Erik guy” is, as Vangergoven would’ve preferred, Banks quit early in time to run to White Castle with some guys, leaving the disappointed Freshmen alone to think about how useless his Risks skills are for getting girls.

WORSHIP LIVE PERFORMANCE RUINED BY SOME GUY WITH BIBLE
CENTER STAGE, THE CENTER FOR TRASK – “He just kept talking and talking. I thought we were never gonna get back up there,” said one embarrassed Worship Live star, “Honestly, who gave him a mic?” The performance started at 11am and opened with a short set for Worship Live before they were interrupted. The person in question reportedly talked in excess of twenty minutes, told a few jokes to which the crowd responded which “totally killed the mood,” and concluded by asking the audience to crowd the stage for a ‘response.’ “The worst part came at the end when he had us play quietly but not sing so he could whisper into the mic with his eyes closed and his hands folded up. Honestly, what a prima donna.”

- WOODWARD

OPINION-”The Real College Experience”

By Schroeder Bernstein

Though we are predominately a satirical ‘news’ blog, I am again stepping out behind the facade of made up stories and situations and presenting anyone who wanders on in with a little essay. Thanks for reading.

“I have often wondered about where I would be, or who I would be if I had gone to a “real” college. And by real I simply mean secular. So in this case lets just say the U of M. By circumstance or happenstance I ended up attending the good ole NCU. Now nearing the end of my run here I can’t help but wonder if I missed out on anything.

I have always respected NCU for its stellar preparation of future Ministers, Missionaries, and Mothers ready to take on the world. But not finding myself in any of those categories, I felt like I was simply missing out on a better education and the typical college experience. What if I wanted to go out and have a beer with my friends at The Local? What if I wanted to celebrate a football victory with close friends and a corn cob pipe? What if I wanted to be classmates with 55,000 different minded and individually interesting strangers? The loss of those opportunities weighed heavy on my mind for a good portion of my scholarly career at 910 Elliot Ave.

Flash forward to last weekend, I was at a bar in Dinkytown to see an excellent band. Surrounded by hundreds of the people I thought that I was “missing out” on, when I finally realized how empty and lonely it must be. Coca-Cola in hand, I spun around the room. Chatter and laughter ringing in my ears. Wondering who all these people were and what they cared about and where they would end up that night. They had no limitations, they had no rules, they had no inhibitions, they were ‘free’. But instead of envying them, I began to feel sorry for them. And wondering if I would be the same way if I ended up there.

In a perfect world, NCU shouldn’t have to have all the rules and regulations it does, because in a perfect world everyone would be responsible and know their limits. For a long time I was the guy satirized in the “Senior Breaks All The Rules” article. I felt like “sticking it to the man” made a difference. It doesn’t, and with out NCU’s “safety net”, I would not be even close to the person I am today. Not saying I’m anywhere near where I am supposed to be (and where God wants me), but everyone is a work in progress.

Prologue: That story about the kids in the bar was not meant to be judgmental. I know for a fact there are awesome people across the river. It’s just how I felt that night. This is supposed to be an uplifting look at NCU not a downtrodden rant on the U. Thanks for reading the Plight and thanks for putting up with my random thoughts for the last five minutes. If you don’t ever come back I understand. “

-Bernstein

But please come back.

Graduating Senior Broke Every Rule, Except One

On par to graduate this December, Senior Jesse Carlson, is leaving only one stone unturned. “It took a lot of research and a lot of hard-work to break all but one rule in the student handbook, “Carlson admits, “I want to dedicate it to all my cohorts, especially to those I lost along the way.”

What started out as a simple disregard for his authority turned into something of legend around halfway through his junior year. After almost being caught for dumping 55 gallons of water down a back stairwell in Carlson Hall, Jesse and a few pals decided to look up what the actual rules were. Hours and hours of extensive research and top-notch highlighting skills left Carlson with only one rule left to break. “Use of squirt guns in the dorms is strictly prohibited” was all that remained.

“Initially I was just going to head out and buy a super-soaker, but then I thought about all the responsibility breaking every single rule at NCU would bestow upon me. There was no way I was ready to handle all of that.” Heinously non-Christian acts like watching R-Rated movies in the dorms, gambling, drinking, smoking, etc, were mere speedbumps on Carlson’s highway to hell. Yet, the simple usage of a child’s water toy would stand up as the roadblock that wouldn’t be circumnavigated.

When asked what he’ll look back on and be proud of the most during his college career at NCU Carlson replies. “Honestly, probably a really awesome discussion I had in Acts about how the author seemed to hate Peter and adore Paul. Well that, or when my friend Dave took a 5 story dump down the stairs in our dorm. That was unbelievable.”

-Bernstein