OPINION: “I Am Officially Retiring From The Music Industry”-The Bible Says

By: The Holy Bible
Musical Inspiration Specialist

“You have to admit, I had a pretty good run. I mean seriously, over 2,000 years of being one of the most influential works in the music business. I had a hand in the writing of almost every number 1 hit since the inception of radio. Except, of course, for that stupid “Spiderwebs” song by that No Duh band, who knows what inspired that. But I have to call it quits, I have nothing left to give.

I’m just worn out, I’ve been poked and prodded, mis-quoted and misrepresented, my words have been mistranslated and bastardized, I’m honestly surprised I made it this far. I almost threw in the hat a few years ago when that Scott Stapp douche bag gave the Psalms in me credit for his piece of crap songs. I wouldn’t be caught read with the phrase “With Arms Wide Open” residing on my pages.

I plan on just relaxing for a few hundred years, enjoying life without the blinding glare of credit or the pain that comes with plagiarism. I need to get my focus back on what I really enjoy doing… sitting in the front room on a hardly used end table, waiting for the grandkids to use me as a weight for their blanket fort. It seriously doesn’t get better than that.

I plan on donating all my money to GLAAD. I swear they spend more time reading me (in search of loopholes), then conservative Christian ministers (looking for a reason to raise tithing up a notch to 15%). Oh well, maybe the Koran or the Book of Mormon can step it up a bit, they’ve been ready to take the reigns for awhile. I don’t think you will miss me as much as you think though, you’ve already been rewriting hymns for like 50 years, just keep doing that, no one seems to notice.”

-The Holy Bible

HEADLINES THIS WEEK

front page:
ATHEIST FINDS GOD, ARGUES HIM OUT OF EXISTENCE

local:
FRESHMEN FORGOT ABOUT FALL BREAK, FEARED HE MISSED THE RAPTURE

world:
“YOU GOTTA UGANDA” SLOGAN SPARKS INFLUX OF SHORT TERM MISSIONS TRIPS

business:
“JESUS.COM IS MY HOMEPAGE” T-SHIRTS NEXT BIG THING

politics:
HOMOSEXUALS FIGHT FOR THEIR RIGHT TO VOTE IN ‘08

opinion:
“GOD DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ORAL SEX” -FELICIA HALDWELL

OPINION: Nice Carbon Footprint, Asshole

By: Emery Wadsworth
Environmentalist Hipster Extraordinaire

You wanna be like Emery? You gotta drink coffee like Emery. Yeah, I saw you drinking folgers out of that styrofoam cup yesterday. You know they deliver that stuff by truck? You gotta get that turtle coffee stuff they deliver by bicycle, man. And that cup? Seriously, bro, you think the ozone layer is just some tagboard ceiling in your non-solar powered office you can poke holes in with pencils all you want?

You wanna be like Emery? You gotta roll like Emery. Frankly, a Toyota Prius just isn’t enough to be as eco-chic as Emery. You gotta paint it green. You gotta get a bumper sticker that says something about dolphins. Until you’re rolling down the street with the soundtrack of “An Inconvenient Truth” blasting from your speakers, you’re not really driving anywhere.

You wanna be like Emery? You gotta dress like Emery. Buy vintage clothes from thrift stores. It’s hip, cheap, and recycles useful goods. Of course, Emery gets his designer jeans from the mall but that’s because he’s Emery. You’ll have to get yours from Savers just like everyone else.

You wanna be like Emery? You gotta reuse like Emery. Used coffee grounds make great compost. Emery isn’t sure if plastic soy packaging makes good compost or not, but he spreads them around his garden anyway because it’s important to Emery that everyone sees how green he is.

You wanna be like Emery. Emery wants you to be like Emery. Please. Dear God, please want to be like Emery.

Guest Editorial Contest

THE NORTHERN PLIGHT NOW BRINGS YOU, YOU!

Be a part of the 2nd or 3rd most popular NCU satire blog in North Central history! The Plight is now opening up the proverbial flood gates and letting in the equally proverbial running water as well as otters with clams that they’re busting open with rocks. Except instead of clams, they’re satire stories and instead of otters, they’re you! The rocks? Well, the rocks are something else that fits the metaphor… the internet or google or something.

Are you an aspiring writer? Do you pretend to be one at parties? Do you have a bone to pick and you know North Central would never let you publish it? A ‘yes’ to any of these questions, means the Northern Plight Guest Editorial Contest is for you! Here’s the deal:

Send us an article in the style of the Northern Plight before midnight on

Friday November 9th.

We’ll publish our picks for the 3 best stories before chapel on

Monday November 12th.

The three winners will receive a free Northern Plight T-Shirt!

Here are the rules for your articles:

1. NO NAMES OR DETAILS WHICH WOULD IDENTIFY A SPECIFIC PERSON
It’s just not cool. People deserve to be plighted, we understand this, but be creative enough to get them without indicating specifically who they are.

2. NO PERSONAL ATTACKS
Seriously, don’t be a douchebag. You know what’s appropriate and what’s not. Criticize by creating something original and clever, not raunchy or underhanded.

3. GIVE US YOUR PREFERRED PSEUDONYM
Or we’ll pick one for you. Of course, you can publish under your real name if you want … but that’s no fun.

4. KEEP IT SHORT
We wont put a cap on your article’s word count but bear in mind if your article is much over 700 words, people probably aren’t going to read all of it, and that’s a shame if you saved a real zinger for the last paragraph.

5. STAY ON TOPIC
This is more advice than anything else. Pick the one or two issues you wish to address and stick to ‘em. Putting every single little complaint you have about NCU or christian culture into an article can get confusing and will cause your words to lose poignancy.

(more rules to come probably)

In honor of the contest, we’re posting an advance Guest Editorial from Ed Rockwell. Check it out.

We’re accepting submissions now! Email: northernplight@gmail.com

News Snippets

“I Feel a Real Connection with You” Translates “I Want to Have Sex with You”

Recent studies show that when 15-25 year old males “confess” that they feel a “real” connection with a girl, they really just desire to have sexual intercourse with her. The results of this study come in lieu of the two month mark of the fall semester at NCU. So by now most students have already found, lost, and loathed at least three times. Even though NCU boys are supposed to be good, honest, God-Fearing young men, it seems in most cases they use this wholesome stereotype and a slew of sketchy cliché’s to accomplish their ultimate goal.

Chapel Institutes $5 Cover Charge

With the price of energy at an all-time high, North Central has chosen to facilitate the rise in prices by adding a $5 cover charge to get into the mandatory chapel services. Expecting a heavy backlash from the students, the NCU leadership team also chose to add a Coffee and Tea bar next to the altar coined All Other Grounds Are Sinking Sand. “It’s a sad state we’ve reached in this world, but at least we’re trying to give back as well as take advantage,” states a Spokesperson for NCU. “But due to increasing milk and paper product prices we’ll have to charge $5.55 for a six ounce mocha latte.”

Local Stud Makes Out with Girl, Doesn’t Call

Local NCU dreamboat, Lenny Crymoore, capped off an exciting evening at Uncommon Grounds with a fair amount of lip action in the Zimmerman House parking lot. By the time the tonsil hockey went into overtime, Crymoore had already made an unconscious decision that this would be the last time he purposely came into contact with this naïve, gullible and unsuspecting 18-year old . After an awkward hug in Clay Commons and a promise to talk later, they went their separate ways. “She’s just not the type of girl I wanna marry, I was just testing the waters,” Crymoore confessed later.

-BERNSTEIN