PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Onlookers were stunned today when 2 North Central Students and some guy they met at a coffee shop somewhere were spontaneously crushed in the jaws of the double wooden doors connecting Phillips and Miller Halls. Although investigators have yet to release more specific details, the evidence suggests that someone in their entourage utilized the handicap access button normally used to open the doors for disabled users, when the doors suddenly shut at a high enough velocity to crush the skulls of all three students passing through the archway. Early autopsies indicate none of the three in the party were disabled before the accident and a lack of debris in the general area suggests all three had their hands available to them to to push the doors open like a normal human being might.
“Handicap doors are fickle entities,” a spokesperson for EasyAccess the manufacturer of the doors in question, said later, “they can only take so many undisabled auto-openings before they snap.” The doors themselves were unavailable for comment. A spokesperson for North Central later said to reporters, “We’re currently forming an exploratory committee to investigate the cause of these accidents and develop a plan for prevention to be released some time first quarter next year. Students are advised to avoid use of all doors until that later unspecified date – or for Chrissake, stop pushing the button unless you need to.”
Cassie Holmquist BFF of one of the victims, Kristi Hunter, was quoted after the accident as thinking that Megan and that guy she met at the coffee shop were “just friends.” – Woodward
Woodward
Bernstein